I recall the fantastic feeling of stepping into a 'fictional' or 'dramatised' character when I made my degree show piece, of one who is haunted by the metaphorical train, and obsessed with natural history displays. I felt powerful, like I had something to say and I was saying it in my own way. Do I have to be strung with that degree of intensity to create 'good' work? Do I need to step into another dimension of this character?
I have been inspired lately by the performance side of things - especially seeing the blank banquet show and going to the artists' workshop around writing/performance, then seeing their screening. I wrote and 'performed' for the first time in my life in that intimate workshop, with my own movements and words. It did feel empowering, like the start of something.
these days amidst applying for things I have been practicing to trust myself in painting again - in completely new ways, without really planning. there are good and really bad days. I do feel a bit lost in this very experimental stage, where I am just trying to get comfortable with the surface again. I am not particularly obsessed about anything in particular in 'research', which is what I'm used to, so just 'painting' without too much planning or thought behind it feels scary. like it has to mean something before it cultivates. I know what sort of things I'm interested in though. I started with the animatronics I encountered at the dino fair. I can still hear the creaks of their joints. and not because I obviously have the documentation of them, ready to be played over and over again. I suppose I could write about it. experiment with words. jump between those mediums. I'm still focussing on painting as a main craft. I don't want to deter from it. painting is difficult and I forgot how hard it can be. it is always a confrontation. I never know if I'm going to make it. or if I make it, I don't know if I can recognise it.
I have accumulated a few things in the garage-studio, all with different 'styles'. I heard someone say 'style' is basically a formula in and interview, which is interesting. they said this is to ensure your work is effective and efficient - they were mostly talking about art writing though. I suppose those 'inefficient' things in between are necessary to get to the 'efficient' things? is everything one big metaphor for life? I wonder if beings from other planets even have anything close to these concerns. my mother and I have been watching three body problem, and the 'beings' got scared of humans because they discovered that humans could lie, whereas on their planet thats not eve conceivable because when they think a thought the other receives it, so there is never any deception. it is true, living on this planet can be horrifying.