I don't know why the concept never occurred to me - when I spent years being inspired and in awe of other self made publications, online platforms, etc, that I could be someone who could start something too. I suppose that just exposed how little confidence I actually have in myself, that my brain didn't even make that connection because I simply did not, even subconsciously, believed it was possible for Me to do anything like that. yet some of my hopeful actions aligned with that: creating a podcast to interview other post-grads and promote easier access to networking relationships, being a course rep, interviewing artists at the uni art fair, encouraging accessible ways of looking at paintings in prestigious museums, my first and only writing residency... I suppose That feeling has always been there, the sense of opening a door to writing and art in a way that is so simple and accessible it almost seems like a sham. but people including me, (who has been through 8 years of fine art education at supposedly one of the top universities in the world in one of the best cities for art,) still find accessing art intimidating. I'm not sure if that speaks to my own insecurities and complete, unexplainable lack of confidence in my abilities at this turning point in my adult life. getting started again is the hardest bit because there is no momentum. your personality is the issue, my mother would say. I know she is right. I know my biggest obstacle is my perfectionism, chronic overthinking and anxiety, extreme highs and lows of self-esteem and confidence. I was stepping into different characters to help me earlier in this self-growth chapter, and it felt like acts in a performance I feel like I completely embody when I'm in them, but utterly fall out of when I'm out. but when I'm out of those characters I am me too. perhaps the truest form of me. and isn't that version of me the most important? am I going to accidentally split my personality too much? am I overthinking again and not doing enough?
if I were to create some sort of online art writing platform I wonder what sort of things I would start with... would I invite other artists to free-write on mundane topics? would I curate them? would I have a unique navigation system? what would our topics be about? and what if I wrote each entry from each character? would they be about documentation? would I get bored? would it be about dinosaurs? animatronics? flash photography? amateur tourist videos? natural history displays? would they be reviews? fictional? diary entries? reviews are interesting because you are giving an honest account of your real life experience and interaction with the thing. it cannot be more visceral and honest than that. would that be interesting to read? what if I just start doing that? start trying my own way of reviewing? not for any sort of outcome but, just showing up and experiencing something I like and confirming it in my own words? should I start doing that? should I stop questioning myself? I think maybe i can do that. starting this friday. theres mutliple shows going on. its funny, that's how it works in this city. I almost became a co-writer for a local art paper but had to part ways with the project. it is the only glimmering hope for me in the past six months here that had to do with some form of income. now that I had to let that go, I am forced to look at my practice in the eye and why it has been on the ground, in bits and pieces, in shambles. I've always been doing things Around the thing and I am so sick of it and myself for doing that without realising it. I know that is my main 'mission' or thing I must do in this lifetime yet I am not doing it. literally nothing is stopping me. so why am I here?
this is a very scary chapter for me and I feel I have just hit a second turning point (the first one being uprooting everything leaving my life in london and coming back home to nz) whereby I am pretty sure I had or am in the middle of an identity crisis, as they say. I could literally feel my old self shedding away (yet those pieces still lingering and pulling me back) and my new self emerging, naked, raw, trembling. the whole of last week was an ongoing lull of frustration coming from seemingly all directions and parties. not the good kind of party. it was also mixed in with impatience of the pace of growth, even though I know good things take verrry long. of course I am scared. because by then I wouldn't be 'young' from society's standards - which is so irrelevant really. but you can't help but have that thought. I know I'll always be youthful on the inside though, and I know art is what will keep me young forever. how long can you really call yourself an 'emerging artist'? I've identified myself as that, labelled myself as it, for years now and even though I still am that, I feel I am growing through and out of it. I shouldnt label myself. I should be always adapting. right now I have neon green and pink paint and ink on my fingers. I am adapting. just like the toy dinosaurs I have on my shelf in the garage. they just make sense to me.
I simply need to follow the glimmer, and where it shines for my eyes only, in this world. that is different for everyone. for me, it is the dinosaurs, the animatronics, the dioramas, the artificial nature. you've heard me say it a million times. now I actually need to immerse myself in it, embody it, live it like I always said I would. I need to see through the ways in which those words aren't empty.
painting over something without really thinking
overthinking and zoning in a lot in something - reserved for details after rough shape on canvas ?
platform for emerging artists
urge to use my fingers on wet paint and dye my fingers in the process - I've made a mark on it, it has made a mark on me
similar to art monthly - but writing/words monthly