18.5.23
to return to this space is as intimidating as it is comforting. it feels like I have forgotten how to confess. it feels I have been dishonest for more than a year. well- rather than dishonest, it is more so the Lack of honesty. I have not been confronting my brain, to tease out what is necessary - the evidence that I exist. this past year I have been washed away, pulled from one corner to another, just staying afloat on top of after-grad and mid-twenties typical chaos. and I have lived and I have learned immensely. but I don't feel grounded still. I think this is guaranteed when you are a) an 'emerging' creative b) living in London c) in your mid-twenties, of course. Life feels like it has just started. at least this chapter of it. Nothing is certain. Being in school and university for all my life before this, of course everything now feels like an ambush. this is the life we have been training for! you still don't know who you are! you will survive (maybe)!
I know that this space has grounded me in the past, to keep an archive is to keep a memory that lives on its own, long after you've forgotten it. it doesn't matter how raw and ugly and embarrassing these words are, because they were real, they were honest at one point.
I am feeling the block, lethargy and difficulty to form words, it is not coming easily these days. most days I do not have the energy to convert my thoughts and feelings into language. and that is a foggy and worst place to be. I don't feel like an entity but a container-form, a skeumorph, a carcass with a supposed soul residing in it. sometimes I take words for granted. often times I use words I have never come to an understanding with. I do not always place the meanings of words first when it comes to choosing them, but sometimes by how they sound, if they appear in my mind as if they own this space already. immediately after using them I come to a good understanding and new familiarity with them, and I shake their hand hello and goodbye and see you again. and I may never see them again.