I feel something is burrowing through, born anew. I can feel it taking shape, like a whole other species trying desperately to mold itself into the right form. It takes a sharp breath and shudders, splutters, like an engine that has never truly been started. it doesn't even have the mechanics yet! how will it work? but somehow, it does by doing. with every breath it feels out its corners, soft fleshy burrows of the thing. I just need to reach a little further to help it up for the first time, and every other time after that. this could quite possibly be a lifelong journey, and this, it, could also quite possibly die as soon as it takes a stand. still, this is moving, if only for a breath, wouldn't you say?
It was quite eye-opening to realise I was accidentally thinking about a form of impossibility again in my practice event even though the coceptualisation of it was so sudden (like an impromptu or unplanned train ride) I wrote the piece in twenty minutes, had a booking to print the words out on gloss vinyl on the day, and that was that. I think I really enjoyed the site/event/situation-specific way of writing, it's a fun challenge because there is always so much to say through language. I think I might try that more, this form of automatic writing. Nooshin said that it could mean nothing but having it in the space forces you to make relations to the other works, she said it was really successful which I was glad to hear. I definitely want to experiment more with Words in Spaces. I think there is so much Playful Potential in that. The possibilities are quite literallt infinite! it is impossible to hit a limit.
I think I do want to incorporate other things like objects (Nooshin said it really works with Shili's animal blocks) and drawings (which I of course want to continue to do, even painting). I also think there is something about the clear/glossiness of the vinyl that works and has potential for layering. it is not like tracing paper, soft and unassuming and mystical, it is clear plastic, it is harsh, its reflection glares at you when you stand at a certain angle, it refers back to the diorama reflections of the glass pulling you out of the immersion. There is also the temporality of these surfaces, using whiteboard markers, on these clear sheets (I just bought a small sheet of acetate to try this out, and also writing on the off-cuts of the vinyl) that I still find fascinating from last year with the Whiteboard. I didn't get to do too much with the whiteboard cos somehow it wasn't working in the way I expected it to but the concept is still there. I want to do big temporary diagrams! (that could turn into permanent ones as paintings?) I want to do big automatic drawings! (on paper).
I want to explore more on the Impossibility of things and string out the ridiculous profound through it. I want to use sound, I want to do so many things and I am remembering what marc said, cause he knows I tend to jump around and end up not doing much, but he told me to focus on the writing for Now now. Also, it feels like I am only two steps forward from the starting line for a race in the dissertation whilst everyone else is two steps before the finish line for it. it's true, I need to start writing it properly, it feels like this train is spitting me out when I beg it to let me back in. Let me back in!!! Let me in, I beg you!!!! Don't I deserve this much, having held you tenderly in my mind for so long? your wheels churned and dug into my nerves. Look, it's all tangled up at the hinges! How will you undo this? Let me go, ah! Let me go...
