29.6.21 it is the end of June, bordering on July, and it is a strange period of going into the summer and everything is quiet. usually I don't experience this, this is the first year where I am staying in London for this summer anticipating the next academic year to come. my second summer in the UK because of the pandemic. the first one in 2020 last year was when we graduated from Wimbledon (which i went back to see the graduate show/open studios last week.. strange feeling but also impressed by the set up and works.. i wouldn't know what I would show..) and I was with olive through the newness of the growing pandemic and now I am in the weird period of everyone getting vaccinations and hoping that its actually getting better. i just got my first jab two days ago and I feel fine. fatigued, and unable to wake up before noon, but I think that's just me. i think 'strange summer' is a really intriguing concept, it is timeless but also a very specific time, it can be nostalgic but fabricated, it can be relatable and palatable in a painting. what would it look like in a non-painting? in something more conceptual... (below is the caption i put last summer when we graduated the course. its weird to look back at that and realise it was a year ago.. and now I've somewhat completed my first year of MA.. what did I do this year..?)
as my headache subsides on this non-specific day, saturated with the heat of the summer, I find myself thinking again about the non-ending of our course [titled a sparkling BA (Hons) Fine Art: Painting]. it is as if time hasn’t caught up to me yet, the reality of [Graduating] our degree, I thought, would feel like a definitive closing of a chapter, a clear break from this era onto the next. instead, we ‘finished’ the course on that ???day and today is already another ???day. one day flows into the next with no significance. obviously, because of the circumstances, we did not get the opportunity to present the ‘final’ ‘overview’ of our work in a physical degree show at the same time in the year as so many before us... but I am not upset... the numerous opportunities of maintaining a community online through various teams calls and emails and group chats then at the end, presenting our work through the digital space is something to be cherished. every exchange leaves a ‘permanent’ record in the digital, and that makes me wonderfully happy because I know 100% of what had occurred exists. even if you can’t access it, the supposed permanence that comes with the online world is comforting. there is something beautifully unique about this experience (and subsequently a series of documentations) of being pushed into the ‘art world’ or, ‘real world’, even, whilst in isolation that is hard to place... we are all confined yet simultaneously driven out or, let go.
that is not to say it feels at all like a cold shove out the door. the warmth that you can feel from the tutors, the genuine support and care - the gratitude I feel for them being there for us [as a collective and as individuals] is not something I can put into words. I am so grateful for such fantastic tutors guiding us through so much uncertainty. so, as the ‘degree’ subsides through these calendar months... I feel the memory of wimbledon glow with a welcoming breeze, as if ready to take us back again.
strange summer.. I'm thinking of those makiko kudo paintings..
and perhaps those mystical paintings in the mamoth show the watery realm
https://www.mamoth.co.uk/exhibition/julia-adelgren but these feel even more narrative/fictional/fantastical..? I don't think I want to create paintings that are completely of fantasy.. i want an everyday element to them.. like something familiar .. like a great mudane thing that could also be a great profound metaphor.. ( I feel I am describing every painting ever ) like a train station.. natasha gave me the ali smith book summer and in the beginning it starts off with this man at a train station, not going anywhere , looking at the mountains, a very strange space , hesitation (why?), point in time (where you're supposed to always be going somewhere, always on the go) ... there's so many metaphors and strange nuances concerning the train (and i think it ties into my essay as well, which I really need to dig into this summer) .. perhaps the anxious space of transportation is something important.. my painting below, I'm thinking of it ..
it is weird because I think I knew deep down I am first and foremost a painter, and I will always paint (though I haven't made many paintings in my life yet) but coming into this course I hadn't touched it, until a week ago.. zoe, at the alumni thing last week said sometimes it comes in waves when I mentioned I haven't painted since graduating. that makes me feel a bit better - I'm trying to see that everything I've been navigating somewhat through this year is not a waste of time and I will be creating more 'outputs' next year... marc said I've had a really productive year of experimenting and new processes but it is hard to believe that when you don't have anything to show for it. i am sick of having the same dillema with myself where I know it's a non-problem .. marc said I need to grasp onto my ideas and go through wth it .. which is somehow always a problem I encounter, ever since doing art probably, and especially recently.. perhaps its impostor syndrome and perfectionism combined.. there is no easy way out but to just do it, again... its making me really stressed that nothing is getting done, but I am actively procrastinating from doing anything... also trying hard to not compare my progress with others.. its virtually impossible when you have a hard time of getting a start in anything... i think that's where I fail as an artist.. so I just wont that.. on a podcast recently someone mentioned the five second rule of just getting up, not even thinking about it bc it takes the brain just those seconds to convince itself to stay in bed.. its kind of like that sentiment.. don't linger too long.. just do it.. i don't know why I am feeling so fatigued from doing nothing (probably also my sleeping schedule) but I just am, physically and mentally.. its like that staying afloat thing again.. floating train... i think reading for fun (but ofc also natural inspiration) will help me regain some of that balance of the right headspace.. and I need to be in that headspace to even think about my essay.. that's why it hasn't been happening.. i was miles away from that place.. and now I am crawling back desperately.
let me back in! i want to tackle the ridiculous, conceptual, language-based art I am so interested in. the biggest obstacle is myself and I'm ready to fight.. i always feel and say I am at war when I am painting a painting but perhaps it is also everything else.. so much for a turbulent (T) personality.. chaos.. conflict.. over what? for what? all of this noise is so annoying to hear, stop whining and get to it already.
11.7.21 .... i have nothing to say. I cannot remember anything.
19.7.21 have I not spent enough time alone recently? i feel I need to be at a certain mindset to create some of the work I want. and that requires solitude. i need to find a balance. i am trying . it is like battling yourself. creating work with words.. it is battling your mind. painting a painting.. it is battling the materials and medium first and foremost.. I'm not sure I even want peace, or if there could ever be a winner. it is like strangling something but not to the point of death. finding the optimum. sometimes I feel I need to feel insane to get words out. it is something that is at my core, but it does not bode well with others. i need to let it lead me somewhere. i don't want to go nowhere anymore. i want this part of me to exist somewhere, and forever.
