5:13pm i feel like I'm in a limbo again... its the uncomfortable transition, the dread and trying not to be sad of leaving home soon and going back to London.. i hate change.. i didn't even wanna fly back home cos i was so used to London.. you get used to a place and you have to tear yourself away from it, and the people there.. i hate travelling.. those who say they want to travel the world.. ill live those travels through documentations, please.. unless its a place i know i want to document myself.. I'm sad and I'm anxious and Im stressed about everything.. the whole situation with the flights getting pushed back month after month and not being able to get a full refund.. anyway i booked another ticket from another airline and the three covid tests i need to do are so expensive and stressful to think about booking.. the thought of perhaps needing to fly back in may stressed me out so much.. what did i do this year, nothing tangible.. hopefully i can fly for 3/26 with this new ticket and get back on it.. i am scared of last minute changes, the 4, 5 times the tickets got cancelled stressed me out a lot... i felt guilty and unsettled and uneasy for staying at home in taiwan and not really producing work.. I've done my unit 1, just gotta hand it in, the statement and portfolio.. also the interim show work, that I'm super unsure of, i feel very exposed and it feels like I'm offering something very raw to the public.. i have no confidence in video work, those two are my first ones really... thats why its especially scary.. the animation workshop is done too.. i feel like I've been through an intense training camp, it gave me so much anxiety.. but it was good that it pushed me to create a stop motion video with objects.. nooshin said she didn't think the music fit and that i should change it to a mix of children's cartoon music... and marine said the 'classical' seems cliché.. but the orchestra performance audio was my starting point.. i couldn't take it out.. i just about had so many breakdowns over nothing.. i thought my interim website thing was lazy too.. but i showed it in the chat and they loved the work and that encouraged me a lot .. i thought they were just dead fragments at this point, nothing new.. i think its very hard for me to be proud of something.. maybe i have high expectations of myself.. i think i am most proud of myself when I finished the dissertation for BA on the natural history dioramas, and also painting the oil paintings.. i think I need to go back to physically painting.. i need to have a tangible surface to work on.. i cannot work only in the digital anymore.. i will go crazy. i am thinking of buying a whiteboard surface and 'painting' on it, like i did with the small one but bigger, much bigger, I'm envisioning sticking it on the wall, spending time on it, and ultimately having the documentation as the work. perhaps that will help me with the unhealthy relationship i have with documentation. letting it go after documenting. or maybe that reinforces it? I don't know. my mind is so foggy. after i went to the specialist 1-1 i felt so relaxed and happy about things, she really understood where i was coming from with the time management and documentation after reading my statement draft. she said when the schedule is more flexible (no immediate deadlines) you should prioritise the thing you wanna do or motivates you first, which made sense and made me excited to do things. but what if nothing s exciting you or motivating you? i guess the whiteboard painting thing is exciting to me, but the thought of having to fly to London is making me sad and anxious again, i cant gather enough energy to do things i need to do. i don't know what i need to do for my practice right now. i need to get on the post grad ambassador proposals i need to come up with, but having this mindset makes it really hard to do things, because i don't think i can do anything, does that make sense? ithink it is feeding back to the imposter syndrome and perfectionist thing i went to the workshops for again. i feel like I'm in a limbo. i feel like a ghost. a cadaver.