(before properly writing my study statement)
4:25pm. Writing.. It is a lot of agony. It is a lot of sitting, looking at your nails, fostering the acid rising up in the esophagus. It is a constant battle, war, there is an infinite amount of words to choose from, order in which you would place them, and just to throw this in there, please put these ordered words in a clear structure so others can understand you, please. Please, give me a break. You should understand everything, at once, without it being spelled out so clearly to you. Please, rack my brain, I don’t think I am able to communicate in orderly words. I am without clarity myself, how could I express with it? This near-impossibility is astounding. The ambiguity within and without every single possible strand of thought has a bubble that overlaps in others. It is not linear. So how would I string them? I’d have to strangle, immediately, with no hesitation, the tail of an individual thought, and pull it towards me - and with it, the other tails and heads and teeth that are entangled amongst its talons. It is MY job to detangle, to pry open this constantly moving, squirming, seething presence of a thing, that exists in its absence as well. How do I locate such a thing? How do I know it to be true? I think of the last line and title of the post-apocalyptic short story, I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream.