today I tried something I don't know why I haven't tried before as a more cost-effective way of doing painting experiments, which is priming paper to paint oils on. I tried priming cartridge paper (very thin and fragile, probably won't hold up) and water colour paper (much better) and I selected one of the screenshots I took yesterday as a study subject, tried the printer here for the first time, and did the usual tracing thing, though I could feel myself losing patience with this method, especially when I know it's just an experiment - i have this weird thing where I'm like, if this isn't a proper thing why am I putting so much energy into it? which is the wrong mindset, but I feel I am just pacing at the same spot not advancing.
basically the paper was fine, everything was fine, but I was so not used to the dry paper and it not really being able to take very watery layers with ink (I used my hands to spread watercolour pigment over the base layer) that I began to ignore the reference and not caring for the details, which made everything look like messy blobs. I hated how dry the water soluble oils felt on top, and the colours I was using looking at the photo were getting muddier and muddier. in my frustration it became more and more abstract as I cared less and less. (maybe I should try mixing some turps with real oils for something next time)
I did see some potential in some of the shapes I made, like towards the left hand side the ground became the wolves themselves, which could have become more interesting if I worked more on it.. I just feel the colours were all wrong. I have no idea how people choose their colours.
have I forgotten how to paint? how did I even paint? did I paint? I began to feel like everything in the past was a fluke and I am suddenly trying to continue to do the same thing that this person Would do if that person was here. but the me now is also combatting this conflict where I want to do other things and I don't know what's stopping me, it's hard to put into words. perhaps I am just lazy. or scared. too uncertain of every single little thing, I have been screaming at myself to just do it for years but I am still the same. I don't understand. perhaps I'm being dramatic again like I always am. literally everything's fine. but why can't I paint? am I being forced to paint in a new way right now? I didn't want to have a million mdf boards again, but I feel I can only paint on smooth wood panels. I don't want to become someone who is so caged in their practice. I want the opposite. I want to do everything. a second year was talking to us and he said, don't do that. stick to what you know. he came here as a painter too and he was in the same position as me and tried to do stuff like installation and it was crap. he said. stick to what you do best. but of course I'm going to at least jump around a bit. like that thing that people say to get out of an art slump. do the extremes, and go back a step. I think I need help. i am scattered again. I'm glad there's a tutorial next week. though I don't even know what to say.
I've had a million little ideas in my notes since I got the qv-10a camera and I KNOW I just need to do something, I literally don't know what my problem is, I want to smash my head against the wall. I think its extra hard this time because I'm in a hopefully major transition in my 'practice'. I don't know what I need to do first, everything seems equally important and therefore equally unimportant, and thus i do not know how to place importance on tasks to order them. should I read this material or is watching this film more important or should I try writing more to collect material or should I paint the same image digitally rn instead, or is the most important thing always is to catch up with this blog so I know what the hell I've actually absorbed in the past few days? I have no memory of this. I need to review things that happened again or they didn't happen. makes me feel like I have no time to create new things, I'm always playing catch up or absorbing new things without putting stuff out. I wish I could split into two for documentation and absorption, and one to create and do. I guess this is a personal problem that perhaps feeds from dyspraxia as well. i just need to figure out a balance. easier said than done. I think I am so stuck in the mindset of the outcome being a painting or something 2D that I don't know a path into other mediums. I hope I make Something on this course, for god's sake. I can't waste this time.
I'll drop down some ideas I have in my notes that I obviously haven't done yet. (most recent first, few months worth)
obsess over documentation (nature of) - obsess over this camera unusable. drawing painting writing concept (Zoom into text and details - make graphic poster - screens moving - I could also hold things in that way - nonchalant / tourist / amateur video - candy factory (reminds of nz, bright colours like graphic box), hands on like the Japanese flower arrangement with the harsh tools, ) (‘never use camera outdoors in rain/snow/beach/bathroom etc - ironic cos image is beach but it’s not a real beach - title? I Am (Never) Using this Camera at the Beach) (Never) Am I Using this Camera at the Beach (?) ____ make booklet or manual with flash photos of it, almost fetishised or obsessed item. ... use as prop, film like weiss make mask like animal ish? Ask? / not film but screen stills - make own screen stills with subtitles - recreate from films - edit myself into film scenes and paint- truman show connection - never had in my mind anyway can’t record - wants every second recorded // photo booth record for low pixels, could dub over or only add subtitles / sound of tinfoil.. / stop motion of camera .. (the last clown - painting of animation and vice versa .. like charcoal stop motion again) stop motion - time increments - bergson - writing the camera that cannot record can be script or (written like formal), become series of works just from the collecting of this one camera with an unknown history. Contrasts and conflict when I look at it. Observational writing . stop motion with flash, with procreate brushes animation, with filming all in stretched zoom, zoomed in playing of camera .. documentation more important than actual happening? casual with these objects but careful when photographing and thinking, more important bc can look back on? replaces// show as archive of images, endless, different taken. maybe labelled eg flash from digital camera, tiny thumbnails? Physical little book? Miniature. card? wrapping paper, blown up image on paper // make more of the collages - but with all other devices like cameras I have and phone held, and things that are not screens but might as well be, notebook, plate, ridiculous things ‘simulated Tv picture // print on actual box? // paint miniature on price tags // use my old pink mirror prop. drawing over it reflecting out // stop motion with myself // thumbnails painting sequence but one or few of them other images of possessions // souvenir shop ideas like national gallery. Of the camera? / combining best bits of same amateur video on one 'screenshot' and paint. (these videos are souvenirs too, documentation like my own) somebody else’s amateur video - also unknown history like the camera. // channel full of no context small videos // lo fi video of me handling all my things that reference nature I already have // spy cams, and record an entire day and play that make fake food finally? workshop? Paint from looking at reflection of ___ screen or __
-photo booth or small stolen camera for low quality, in contrast with high quality, the mundane recording, obsessive documentation of things. /watch space odyssey, monolith/monument? /jelly n resin transparency frozen in place, camera, painting , / humour, ridiculousness, artificial, mimic / three chairs work again, representing it (eg by text) / look at Joan and bill violas work - video, but also drawing, text, etc and how they are presented and worked through , everything is a collage , can present as collage - physically make ? the naming of things. TEXT in painting. or title (note taking) as displayed with the painting. // Earthsea story vs film // inanimate objects - alive with veins (like Raphael painting, and gummy bear) // digital space (drawing/painting) and dreams - both abstract spaces...? what about physical paintings? in a way abstract too // still wanna do paintings like Janiva Ellis // write about every taxidermy I encounter or fake thing // pictures we’ve never taken - series painting - life events // displacing things like Taiwan house structure metal or the street vendor live cook, tsong yo bing in dream, with same limited communication // sis died bday dream - digital collage overlay video, of me saying these strange things form dream dialogue, different characters, // low res : filled with digital camera, and zoomed in. and then zoomed in after.. short series of footage. chopped up, not really a film, but just footage, like Joan, in her work i want to live in the country, reads from her journal and music. // vlog style commentary, but in contrast with? more somber footage , nature? / jonas: eg lines in the sand, retelling poems / paper mache mask / documentation: jonas reading from writings - could do too , Reading learning / dream recreate set up like stage set // incorporate gaming - editing in video?! image in painting / desperation of holding onto images memory, documentation, multiple cameras? recording. / not structured interview but opposite - mundane conversation caught / the tourist. Take and go - jonas quote about tourist - if I feel foreign even in Taiwan, am I always performing? to whom? displacement. monument / jonas quote about word becomes iconic or totemic object that connotes - monument? // watch Chris marker and how he observes cultures as jonas describes // sound of zoom on small digital camera- recording of recording, of live , like lectures, obsessive, just in case, record gameplay. Nintendo, online / Charles pierce logical graphs - graphs, visual Ikea representation , nature/dream/setting / Susan Howe quote : giving yourself over to coincidence, like how I embrace accidents, maybe Nintendo, online / Charles pierce logical graphs - graphs, visual Ikea representation , nature/dream/setting / Susan Howe quote : giving yourself over to coincidence, like how I embrace accidents, maybe the best work for me is not obsessively planning, never works, just do, give yourself over to the work and keep going floating. edit video like highlights / motion track through ds or camera / simply sketch mr fox in positions , like obsessive drawing / bc anything can be combined with anything and any process and medium and amount, should just do the first thing, and if it doesn’t work then move on to next // audio work: brutally honest. (Dream: Daniele showing default music soundtrack and us sort of laughing at them, and one just like: I’m so unhappy . After a few seconds no music. // taking pictures (low quality) of the artificial - double fake l, triple screen paint the camera, use as tool, tweak speak to ict, digital collage, motion track a screen on it, artificial grass (carpet right ad)
smell of swimming pool - pool memories (consecutive: taiwan? modern with fake plants hallway - nz with mum indoors warm blue smooth dark blue maybe sauna rooms I was a kid naked feet on floor - selwyn swimming pool and story I wrote about entering another world picturing this pool - tracy probably taking us to indoor water parks, hot chips, fake waves, dark colourful slides -) swimming pool, resin jelly, fake plant, fake body of water, divided into lanes, water, art: different things at once e.g plan painting, write/make / research materials and concepts - different things will come together like dreams + nature etc. drawing paired with TEXT suggestions / mapping where things are : e.g translation. sad horse, stolen gem BUT IT COULD ALSO BE: transparent shrimp etc see if there is DVD or lesson from meditation, the infographics grew up with, the galaxy, body animation (also wanna learn) Buddhism is still a big part of me I neglected , identity - text works - family - awkwardness - the turquoise and pink mats . How they interlock . golden robes (a material? Colour scheme?) - the memory of having that dream when our pusa talking and Shang you, and we cleaned the statue bc that’s what we thought it meant, afterwards my mum exclaimed oh it’s jia you. must be encouraging you. It might just be a dream, but thinking of the statue at home at least gives me great warmth. I know in my heart it is real. I felt it. (listening to Earthsea lately - connection there?) might ask about accessing and if I can make art about it when I go back.
write short poem or story from dream prompt /// she saw a swarm of flies gathered, still. she felt she’s seeing death in the eyes. //proposal: turning on the camera when hearing about mother’s death // animal/things as head (anime dorereheroor) // Images that pop into mind right after watching so many documentary footage of animals and insects - draw them down quick //cardboard - title marker - assemblage, paint on, rip or careful, writing, in conjunction with painting, tape, spray paint, not cardboard like, print on, fold, arrows, wood, resin, ink.. layers, bright underneath, monster, Ikea flowers.. imitation.. there’s something about inexpensive tape.. colour it.. three dimensional dialogue... cheap materials.. coloured paper, origami, use cardboard as you would wood, make something amazing, an assemblage.. colour! with crayons, colour pencil, inexpensive, expressive, writing.. gentle spray paint! colour pencil scribbles.. landscape.. nature.. sick of heavy wood panels.. light inexpensive card and cardboard and paper.. ‘makeshift’ make special.. assemble... like dream.. collage.. coloured dust sheets .. bubble wrap (can see through to bright or non bright object, like the transparent shrimp in blue planet trapped), can be in video form, me, with ‘sound effects’ made, collected, collaged. like cardboard recreate room like that artist in essay. reprinting then image of it on it. printing again and again. numbers, coding, printed, written, address.. graphic, scribbled, assemblage whole drawing observing. live drawing collage
chris marker film - voiceover over black and white images , / with zoom/ voice over of text you write or / dream journal . / maybe writing like viola tone. maybe from panda / game play with different clips and images around (watching Chris marker ouvroir) / this is Home? earth ? speaking on ironic things with nature / Hito steyerl: factory of the sun/ imitate game format? voiceover . Alice memory? Addressing viewer not like Alice but A & B (like confessions) or You ? / cao fei: blueprints, very pale faded layered shots or very graphic texts like retro sci fi movie / still photograph but a lot of moving images in there, on wall . a room, projected / just with rhetorical questions / subtitles - like foreign films. / use domestic scores even plushies zoom to combine with existential or nature footage. / golden record material. what would I put on golden record... what would I send out to the space . the reality. - maybe as a confused human from images, eg video game footage this is reality this is also reality and the screen you see it with you can touch is also reality but some may say it is fake / panda footage , someone looking for a long long time on a screen, maybe stem from this footage / I love the colour green. see it everywhere in nature in green screen / presented as film stills with subtitles - eg panda footage with text. own or from film. / addressing audience like A . or you, are a lover of nature , you see it everywhere / take from dissertation - the more creative bits - into video... , can stem from How real is your holiday.. and then reality..nature using through screens and amusement part material and trips and maybe some personal anecdote .. try premier pro / split screen of eg panda / talking on vacation: it’s an escape from regular life. a break. But really you’d wanna go home in the end. (Alice) (Dorothy)
make digital collages as work / text and drawing with photographs like memories make me?
video work/ jon rafman/ use sound effects like that barbie paintbrush? the ‘artist’ // something with nature videos or trip videos, Alice / video game / audio of cars inside my room. / music box of spirited away that never gets twisted / being in isolation / ‘music is a defining element of what it means to be human / - lyrics? snippets? owl city? /‘sometimes imagine it like ripples in a river, how the sound moves’ / water - nature doc. sth like visual zoomed or subtitles from blue planet? / childhood choir, those songs out of reach. like the soundtrack to terabithiabfrom when we watched that film in library, or the Christian songs, or in japan. /‘voices and narratives can affect you emotionally’ / ‘people need this emotional relief. they need to have this ability to be in the moment and to feel the sense of presence and spirituality that music like this brings to them / digital piano, (olive?) fractured, / ‘sounds physicality’ (article) / look at bill viola again / sound and dream and ‘travel’ in dream and reality, amusement park tracks going down adrenaline, instructional / play around with random digital like adobe dimension, screen recording , large scale Things instead of people. / adobe character animator, after effects key frame animation, graph editor scrolling background/ 3D camera tracker on floor, through footage. Text of dialogue../ screen green screen replacement on devices / video editing software footage of that like the ‘scope on after effects. / animate objects? Strangely. through your dream? dream of future and dream of night, daydream and night dream / digital archive I already have bc it’s about digital manipulation and hoarding / digital photograph edit/collage/ seem real, like that artist^^ Jon. / use blender 3D (free) and dimension? /shape in three d: something resembling animal like hobbyhorse rocking / nature images on blender or three d shapes or plinth, / moving image eg clouds background gif. From travel footage / silhouette things with other images like that one edit with buildings but it’s sky / overexposed images, so bright it’s like white (use those gif sets filters?) like faded memory? Or so dark you can’t even see?) some images almost look like they’re in white space like in arrival / scroll in so far you see pixels, limits of image / video of whale watching . / these nature images with border around. on panel, on digital. or other nature image, in layering, illusion / photos from bird eye, plane - freedom, but also small of human existence, also miniature, Also abstraction or confusion of perspective if collaged, also strange point of view, also travel, also souvenir, also constructed nature / maybe more collages like boxes ? in film stills, in own photos , in dream like the two paintings this year? Also constructed nature. / resize animals to be bigger in landscape. / replace labels with nature windows. / with animals very apparent it’s animal with nature not so much / motion track whatever footage - on diorama footage? / collage with one part moving e.g ocean in background. / find other simple effects to utilise in aftereffects / screen replacement, panned opposite direction /grid projected on the floor and walls to feel like vr
sth about putting a border on any naturalistic scene .. souvenir, packaged, distanced immediately.. slap some text on it’s an ad a streetcar named desire symbols and stills ..decalcomania/photographs/video //project video of ride onto a board (black and white like sugimoto?) onto black boxes(?) projection from above// masking image in text // sth with the border- projection with border (wish you were here) project on postcard size card , or print on// write my own letter (fits with every scene. ‘The weather is so lovely here. . greetings from.. love from..) // does it even need to be on a board. (But black- better?) also, black and white own video or raw YT footage // project single figure/thing (moving or not) into background like how they did in the diorama ride // scrolling background infinite landscape - Robin Hood // caption somewhere in Africa prob/ describe, title it
envisioning urself in landscape when ur looking out window //write dreams out as work in sketchbook? prunella ‘written images’ in guide she said: ‘drawn sketch too definitive, decided. Whereas a written sketch allows much more expansion of excitement and imagination and interpretation.. also not a one- off, she’s been to the cooling tower, it’s a return to it again and again..// blue planet footage of the sea mystery , captions. and docu footage. seeing dolphins and whale footage made me think back to kaikoura footage and desperation to capture it in my camera, even when I was out of my body so nauseous , but the satisfaction of capturing it was worth it . . Use kaikoura footage / and add subtitles? describe? nature seen through screen, describe experience in real life contrast.. . labels of seasickness.. souvenir store.. travelling to the location.. pics before and after trip.. memory of it.. the lonely playground thing at the place.. time dragging,, ‘out at sea’ ‘lost at sea’ the motion sea sickness - motionlessness In taxidermy, cannot taxidermy marine life, always models, natural history museum whale display etc.. in japan too.. / the emu memory in NZ traumatise , it was so big, / narration of blue planet, in text // porco Rosso, island, water imagery, also his quiet place (thinking of the dragon scene of two forces of dragon fighting in tales from earth sea), and war, and love // blue whale, screenshot - lonely. ‘dwarfed by the vast expense of the open ocean’ reminds me of something in jimmys books.. (very different when looking at them now compared to being a child, there seems to be something absolutely profound in them.. wish I could read them again.. and find comfort) .. like that scene in xingkong where they’re in the boat and they’re thinking about other things in the galaxy existing, like in Horton hears a who, were so small in the universe , like the whale, which is already the biggest animal known on the earth
if I go through with the lilac beige dream painting, with my nightmare painting (interim?) perhaps I’m investigating how dreams reflect reality not just mine personally but the world beyond - ‘how does my work connect to the world’ // but also the nature-culture thing, perhaps combined. the video: audio of amusement park rides.. sensation/spectacle- titles ? digital colour of GREEN. brilliant green, zooming in to nature / pics , video work .. goofy cartoon : ‘island of exotic beauty where TIME STANDS STILL’ // sketch/trace on procreate, cartoon screenshots (like sketchbook work) / audio of these cartoons / Jurassic Park rides / the imagined past as fascination , recreated as spectacle // using cinematic references: imagined worlds from material from our world. originally moving image,with plot, narrative, into a snapshot, painting. still moving . Distilled // EVERY NAME UNDER THE SUN// Dali dream paintings , our memory of dreams can be warped also. // decalcomania experiment- even writing ... in turn, a reflection? Use watercolour paper / explore surrealist/ collage techniques.. (Max Ernst Europe after rain used paper push gouache into canvas creating multilayered effect)// plane on water from porch Rosso and nausicaa/ transportation - train / castle in howl// decalcomania on stretched canvas // procreate to paint how I would paint irl // new dream, set up using myself? Pose
photo manipulation : like how the animals are all placed together as a spectacle. nature photographs and magazine in summerRECEIVED ALL AT ONCE ; this nature is natural; this disaster ; human nature ; this disaster (is) //this human //this disaster is natural, nature, human, nature, natural, disaster, all at once, // Powell cotton video with audio of amusement parks/ maybe footage from there too // double projection - one Powell and collage with diorama photographs into painting (staging, staging) (maybe with all facets of imagery so far, yt videos.. // = CONSTRUCTED LANDSCAPE = diorama // nature from platform game Alice screenshot // black and white sketches ink with light box and printing, physical collage// simple 1 or two image collage with text ‘I have traveled the world and back // use writing, experience in MCP / or some bits of landscape writing / or how they described eg END OF DAYDREAM // when the moon shines as brightly as the convenience store // sketch nature - natureculture. Drawing as part of research (and writing notes) on Nature I absorbed ? Travel photos and magazines and parks and thinking about it in general. I could refer to memories like the jellyfish pond. Something out of each incident.. like chapters , encounters of nature. ‘The (non-poisonous) Jellyfish Pond’ the viktor wynd, The time I puked in that water park. different between confronting and experiencing nature : memory of nature and experiencing it real time . Going a different route close to normal walkway. Editing out the buildings in photographs / vice versa. Repeating them, Combining them , same pproppryopn with something else developed , write really small// do more quick collage/text/sketches like memories make me. Print smaller? on thicker/softer paper maybe. // WHERE DID ALL THIS BLOOD COME FROM // it spreads . (Gore..)
nature culture nature culture nature culture
Use 3d photo /portrait mode app for applying on real like travelling through image landscape pixels // consider yume wo miyou music video maybe I can do sth similar with poetry or prose // so bright, even tho the blinds are closed, the sunlight will filter in no matter , I wrote this and the sun disappeared // everything/life is about accumulation.. of material things, memories, the bad, the good, time, people, experience, illness, but accumulation is time? or amount? // TRIP OF A LIFETIME (dead) - writing , more free landscape canvas ? // the game spore - play/simulation/evolution imagery / creation own - video games is a whole realm to explore, virtual world, not ideal? ideal? // look at alexis rock mans cinematic ecological paintings. maybe can do something like that but freer, maybe animal like collage but not so recognisable as the animal. maybe look at other nature paintings seen before like Mark ryden. //this disaster is natural, human nature // those Japanese pattern papers from summer
DAYDREAM DEMANDS. (Eco)// end of the daydream (speculative taxidermy book) .//visual image photography contrast: like in Susan Sontag book pain of others p. 40 the war picture next to men’s hair cream or even simple split collage like the simple ones of coutte // ‘At the moment of death’ picture by Robert Capa: the falling soldier (which might be staged) MOMENT of death, time, realisation hit.. clear cut collage like painting/storyboard like francisco on ig // sontag words: bemused awareness, continually restocked (about photographs on pain) Naming and Taming, from snaebjornsdott/Wilson website on work of between you and me. // captioning the photos I’ve taken as titles, could be a series // screenprint jus text on image or sth // ‘you have a new memory’ notification on photos // Thomas demand/recreating from images and photographing, multilayer meaning, manipulating reality. I can sloppily recreate something just with paper and colour. in attempts to problem solve. // Photographic series of in the summer / nature/ urban/ I Have Travelled the World and Back.// backlit / printed really big for immersive. / then stencil in shapes. / or write on it like on canvas painting. / screenshot bits of it, low quality, chaos. - perception of nature through photography, too much of. Is this experiencing real nature / slightly warped, manipulated. Orientation eg upside down cloud so like mountain / or simply collaged by 1 cut
‘COLLAPSE’ on a webpage, in the world, in an individual, loved one, in an animal, like bambi... like a house, like security, building from ground up. of an empire. as a good thing? rebirth? knocking down the (out with the old in with the new. ) cycle. RELAPSE (fall back into..) LAPSE // big coats and little dogs // from little Caesar book: the day after tomorrow/ ice cubes tinkling in a glass laughter, inside becoming outside. this might be the end / in fact, you don’t really need anyone anymore. // old tumblr blogs - pale aesthetic. sad. // cut off a wolfs head and it still has the power to bite. Barbara Kruger: the meaning of life is that it stops // video with own plushies, dialogue. subtitles, recreate scene from (?) movie like that artist in painters forum // project, onto actual boxes with things? video footage from plane? watch hito sterl, // projection map not on an object but a human or living thing like plant or.. fake plant or.. layers of artificiality like something I make from DIY cream or.. project same image onto the same thing plant on plant flower on flower, moving the object from the mapping, the artificial layer is still there, taking a photo of it live and setting to work, the speed at which. multiple projection loops, narrative. like a vase or some domestic object or furniture with nature projection.. ‘look at that green..’ narration explanation like hito // windows in software (hardware) windows in houses windows into nature (diorama) windows as a bridge between the inside and out (quote about house guarding inside outside from little Caesar)
-amusement park photo/childhood, collage. referencing Eco Disneyland and old photos like Disney sea. don’t even remember. -comparison somehow with plushie and real thing eg my alpaca with NZ alpaca photos. (accessible nature? cute-fying nature) my personal perception of nature.. dissect.. // -do some amusement park research.. / audio animatronics // -literally paint that picture of danielle in diorama, but the figure is on fire or something -photographs From Powell cotton, Kill Me Right Now, etc. titles// -Make clay model of rabbit character simple cross , combine with objects. // memories MAKE ME t shirts or clothing/ simple slogan, as display as graphic tees as landscape as domestic and landscape.. wear. model / new ones. / printing on clothes I already have, hangers, bows // -artificial space, how? project onto different shape ? -making the same thing (eg flower) in different materials) -phone diy cream- assemblage into cake shape...? with unwanted items..// -not having time, possessing time . Plastic bag / hoodie that thank u repeatedly // -minimalist podcast: we live in a machine that makes us neglect what is important about life , creates conflict. we know these insights so well they become cliches. but we live in this machine. . nature is antidepressant , as they began to bloom they did too// ‘landscapes of my youth..’ geraint interview. Influence paintings now? grew up with poetry.. I’m influenced by song lyrics ...? books? the poems .. simulate my idea of nature .. perhaps I can write poems as well, but with my limited constructed view of nature.. so sensational.. geraint, change came when he used photographs taken during residency.. stunning mountain.. maybe I can look for photos I took. very foggy memories like Switzerland. (Interesting how I was born in nature-orientated New Zealand yet I feel.. so distanced..) I don’t remember it at all.. now it is all touristy.. ‘found myself painting the idealised and distanced landscape again and again’ relation of this landscape and constantly moving in my life.. just inner as well. fragmented blurry //‘So sick of myself’ collage with magazine or ripped or selfies in mirror not looking at camera just, cropping and zooming a lot until nothing makes sense. collage work. Of selfies /clothes/hair with poetic title. on that memory or pork out of what I see. // social media part of that landscape, we see nature through screens.. slow WiFi on ig, made me realise how much of others I’m consuming .. and what do I gain?not saying it’s bad . The very specific lens they want me to see, like diorama. that is not to say I don’t do it as well. // ‘the skin of our teeth’
Apology letter for things I didn’t do. (Guilt) sorry to who-mother? myself? Family? Friends? Never enough. // Gif again b and w? Pixel // beauty eye in the beholder.. halloween .. ‘beauty doesn’t exist on its own but is instead created by the observed// mononoke biting meat screenshot, or sth, collage like Janiva Ellis// dan holdsworth, exposes photograph, lanes going in and out, kind of like that one japan road photograph or, // deconstructing items I own into something so different eg melody umbrella. Spray paint .. paint..prime unconventional materials.. Inner landscape on surrounded landscape of things..use a lot of ribbons.. big ones ... bows.. ties.. tying the knot.. double.. bandaid.. superglue.. things that temporality desperately try to mend things.. apology letter? sewing/needle? tape? elastic bands? construct the ‘desperation of mending something so broken like the umbrella but dramatic ? ‘ maybe use old wires or eg olives headphones, over reliance on Things.. attractive repulsive.. // sth with Ikea fake flowers // It’s all Fine and Dandy-lion (nature animal)
—-resin painting again but with 3d blocks or objects and combined with random assemblage. charity shop? Personal items I’ve never used , broken umbrella? Separated limbs ? taxonomy? like taxidermy heads? Contrast with mundane like willow cotton pads? on canvas ? on panel? IN panel? a box? stuck, glued ? resin? colour back of panel.. solidify personal things in resin (that don’t use but memory .. etc.) apology letter that will never be read ... scraps, of material , of clothes, weird combinations in resin? of old cables .. unnessecary clutter become meaningful. How to make little models like my necklace ? use own objects .. like sock with sock on it, or one single gun sock. nailed to wall like Xmas , merry Xmas . Combining things with stickers. hidden text . hoarding. bags. pattern. dried out eye contacts. fake eyelashes. Title ‘prized possessions ‘ prized obsessions ‘ prize - d , priced , priced connections , set up similar colour but weird mix and good camera and cropping until abstract , with caption/text, like that artist.. writing at bottom , diy phone case cream but really tall? weird location set up after. a reference to fake food models// someone burning alive and walking // digital print collage.. text // piece of work on collection on images (taking pics everyday..) titled Not A Day Has Passed Where a Picture ///was not Taken // decoration.. embellishment personal . personality of outer inner, carcass, what am I without outer decorations/items collected here // who are we without our ‘constructed landscape’ around us.. the things we hoard into a landscape, some might be minimal. // even including culture- magazines, print as photograph... or photograph in relation to other things..
I’m gonna paint until I wanna die, then I’ll go home , time to go home , lyrics Grip Seeb ‘I would rather forget, wash my memory clean’ thought it said I’d rather forget THAN wash my memory clean.. sth about the different ways of saying sth but you’d rather do one than the other // Admitted killing, denied murder // I got Something to say // very dead // Paint with just white ... body without organs, taxidermy // podcast hp and sacred test special - Child: made life ( but also death// why change is so hard esp tied with ur identity like graduating : indicates time passing// Probably Most Likely Definitely (is) An Apology Letter For Things I Did Not Do (blank notebook paper) ver. 1 , ver 2 could be painting, just something, (sorry for NOT doing anything, not being there for you, I am but a ghost shell // collage with diorama photos, minus head. Move around, sth abstract ? reflections, just the photo itself? text. // making a tea and not drinking it// use big camera to take pics of object / set up / eg hand and keyboard protector// paint sketch dream: window on earthquake tsunami volcano, death dream, perhaps digital collage, with some interiors, with people, idly smiling, eating laughing inside, cinematic, cool colours and glowing outside // sth so wrong like blood in a plant .. wildlife photography, taking photo of taxidermy// also, artificial ... like the picture of billboard or travel ads. Play with text ?
