it's the friday of the first week of my MFA at CSM, first time having everything online (though there was only 1 briefing, 1 library induction, and 1 lecture in the span of Monday and Tuesday - the rest of the days were filled with random start of the year things like trying out workshops, welcome session from grayson perry, learning about the student union via a zoom webinar.. etc.) It was weirdly really busy, from everything being online and all - my schedule felt full even though when you look at it in a calendar, there's only 2 or 3 things in a day. this overwhelming feeling I am feeling is probably due to 1) the sudden transition from no classes, when night and day merged together, to the start of the term with no 'real' 'opening of a chapter' like walking into uni, etc. 2) thrown into the realm of online learning, and 'meeting' people, the awkwardness of virtual spaces, and overcoming/getting used to that, which is still a very prominent drain of social energy despite being used through a screen 3) the many decisions to make at this time such as - should I join this club/community? am I missing out on this opportunity? will I have the capacity to submit something at this deadline? (I feel so unravelled that I don't think I can submit anything to so many deadlines, and that makes me feel bad for all these wasted opportunities. but 'there is always next year', sure 4) the more intense documentation of material, with my camera, the need to process information twice i.e. going back and watching again - perhaps should take better notes next time, the personal stress of wanting to have a back up of every little thing, and being confronted with the too much abstract data, footage that exceeds storage available - its a constant cycle of uploading to the computer, charging the camera, uploading online, deleting on the computer, deleting on the memory card, same kind of process with my phone storage as well, and the mundane stress of wanting to use this footage to update social media highlights, its a confusing digital battle that doesn't make sense but I am constantly having somehow.
it just feels like I have been thrown things and I have records of these things, and they are coming from different avenues, and I want to put 100% in each, but to do so I need to re-absorb them all again, and that will take time, which will lead into other little avenues, and I'm afraid i simply don't have the capacity and time to do so. basically I feel overwhelmed and have this anxious feeling of needing to play catchup this whole week, a build up of it. I need to figure out a better way of working if I'm going to get through this year. I am not even making art right now. right now, I need to process, think, with these new possible facets until I get a clearer head, otherwise I'm just pacing at the same spot. below is an overview of what happened each day, some are more personal, but that is just as valuable as everything else;
