these days [five months now inside] it's been easy to feel lost in this heat.
consuming: people doing things outside [in whatever timestamp, always the past because it was recorded, but understood like it is the present] idols, celebrities, creators, acquaintances. bright colours, patterns, infographics of urgency, unlearning and learning, decluttering and cluttering. fluttering about, a wavering mirage...
I feel this welling of heat that builds up in the day and lingers in the night slows time down even further... my brain feels like mush... my eyes feel all wrong from looking at my phone screen all these hours. it is like turning on a light when the sun is streaming in.
the uncertainty of the early twenties and after graduating university... how cliché...
it is inevitable... unless you're some kind of machine, a cool fridge, how I wish I was one, cold despite all this humidity.
the instability of finance, career, relationships with people around... that is life...
everyone feels this.... this is nothing special
[don't forget your wealth of privileges]
so many things to be afraid of... failure, rejection, loneliness, unexpected crises...
[the only thing you can do is move onto the next thing - keep pushing harder - use your passion - but also don't burn out - but also don't let yourself not do anything and melt away] [you have to have such a strong core as an artist... especially one in introversion... especially one who lacks in some confidence... fake it til you make it?]
right now I am just trying to stay afloat... and chase that mirage... and when that shimmers away, I'll keep chasing the next one...
/////
it is so hot that I barely know what I am thinking. I feel I am thinking with '...' between each word. this was evident when I was filming my answers for the wca legacy film. and I hated that.. I hated how slow I thought and how awkward words tumbled out of my mouth. I need more practice.. I need More Practice... I wish I was a good communicator, vocally. I do not wish to go around in circles and not reach valuable or interesting points anymore. maybe it's because of the dyspraxia. I don't know how people order their words in a succinct way. I feel like some useless amoeba floating about, just jelly-like cytoplasm. perhaps I could practice on my own. like record some video diaries, like the same thing I do on this blog but recorded. I like typing though. there is a certainty here. you can see each word for its own, or you can see the whole paragraph as a whole. you can see punctuation, however wrong and unprofessional it is being used. it is simple. and I need something simple right now.
I was evidently having some brain-melting (from the oven, because it's hot and also because it's a confined space for months now, ha) cliché existential extended moment that every early twenties person has, and it is not a good feeling. this is the point where you feel like if you don't grasp onto every single opportunity like it's your life, or push yourself off a cliff into the open waters out of your comfort zone constantly, you are not growing, you are stagnant, therefore you are wasting your life away. it is especially prominent in this timeless time in quarantine (without the usual family time back home). Is this it for me? What can I even do in this life? I don't have enough potential. I'm not hard-working enough, I'm not smart or articulate enough, I'm not pretty or cool enough, I'm not vocal or innovative enough, I just can't do [it]. I am just a shell who has painted a few paintings. I grew, sure, but everyone is also growing. and I know all the [positivity-mindset content] and I know the solutions and how irrational everything I'm saying is, and I see it clear as day, but I still believe it, it's so stupid.
I feel humans have a funny way of living. I can only speak from my perspective (and I know how privileged I've been my whole life) but when you hit those rare highs, where you are noticeably optimistic everything is like warm sunshine and your life seems sunkissed and blessed. when you fall into the lows everything seems irrationally hopeless, it's almost ridiculous. it's like the depressing version of those rose coloured glasses.
it feels like those stupid game apps where you tap to go up in bursts, and at some point you just run out of energy to tap. you just sink to the bottom. and it is timeless here, calm, but unsettling. there is a voice telling you, desperate, that you are wasting your life away on this ocean floor, but it is easier to ignore it, so you stay. you see the sun, even at this depth, shimmering through the water, and you reach up towards it. you see your arm at an awkward angle, you micro zoom into the texture of your very human skin. and you think to yourself, so this is what it is, being human. (can you feel depressed, but not in a bad way?)
what's silly is that I am catapulted out of this zone almost immediately, by distractions like watching videos or series or short form content, or being with friends. but always falling back to it eventually. does this mean the ocean floor is where I truly am, all the time? do I just sink back down inevitably, because really, I only have a finite amount of energy to stay afloat? am I battling myself, and I know it is all my fault, for not pushing myself to learn more, talk to more people, take more risks, do more good things? I am centering myself and I hate that. I can't even drink enough water in a day. It's a good day if I take a few sips.
I feel I want to create but sometimes it's like I have nothing in me. and I know the obvious solutions. be inspired, do new things, all that. so why is it so hard sometimes? my mind is so heavy, with nothing.
tomorrow I'll be distracted again.
consuming: people doing things outside [in whatever timestamp, always the past because it was recorded, but understood like it is the present] idols, celebrities, creators, acquaintances. bright colours, patterns, infographics of urgency, unlearning and learning, decluttering and cluttering. fluttering about, a wavering mirage...
I feel this welling of heat that builds up in the day and lingers in the night slows time down even further... my brain feels like mush... my eyes feel all wrong from looking at my phone screen all these hours. it is like turning on a light when the sun is streaming in.
the uncertainty of the early twenties and after graduating university... how cliché...
it is inevitable... unless you're some kind of machine, a cool fridge, how I wish I was one, cold despite all this humidity.
the instability of finance, career, relationships with people around... that is life...
everyone feels this.... this is nothing special
[don't forget your wealth of privileges]
so many things to be afraid of... failure, rejection, loneliness, unexpected crises...
[the only thing you can do is move onto the next thing - keep pushing harder - use your passion - but also don't burn out - but also don't let yourself not do anything and melt away] [you have to have such a strong core as an artist... especially one in introversion... especially one who lacks in some confidence... fake it til you make it?]
right now I am just trying to stay afloat... and chase that mirage... and when that shimmers away, I'll keep chasing the next one...
/////
it is so hot that I barely know what I am thinking. I feel I am thinking with '...' between each word. this was evident when I was filming my answers for the wca legacy film. and I hated that.. I hated how slow I thought and how awkward words tumbled out of my mouth. I need more practice.. I need More Practice... I wish I was a good communicator, vocally. I do not wish to go around in circles and not reach valuable or interesting points anymore. maybe it's because of the dyspraxia. I don't know how people order their words in a succinct way. I feel like some useless amoeba floating about, just jelly-like cytoplasm. perhaps I could practice on my own. like record some video diaries, like the same thing I do on this blog but recorded. I like typing though. there is a certainty here. you can see each word for its own, or you can see the whole paragraph as a whole. you can see punctuation, however wrong and unprofessional it is being used. it is simple. and I need something simple right now.
I was evidently having some brain-melting (from the oven, because it's hot and also because it's a confined space for months now, ha) cliché existential extended moment that every early twenties person has, and it is not a good feeling. this is the point where you feel like if you don't grasp onto every single opportunity like it's your life, or push yourself off a cliff into the open waters out of your comfort zone constantly, you are not growing, you are stagnant, therefore you are wasting your life away. it is especially prominent in this timeless time in quarantine (without the usual family time back home). Is this it for me? What can I even do in this life? I don't have enough potential. I'm not hard-working enough, I'm not smart or articulate enough, I'm not pretty or cool enough, I'm not vocal or innovative enough, I just can't do [it]. I am just a shell who has painted a few paintings. I grew, sure, but everyone is also growing. and I know all the [positivity-mindset content] and I know the solutions and how irrational everything I'm saying is, and I see it clear as day, but I still believe it, it's so stupid.
I feel humans have a funny way of living. I can only speak from my perspective (and I know how privileged I've been my whole life) but when you hit those rare highs, where you are noticeably optimistic everything is like warm sunshine and your life seems sunkissed and blessed. when you fall into the lows everything seems irrationally hopeless, it's almost ridiculous. it's like the depressing version of those rose coloured glasses.
it feels like those stupid game apps where you tap to go up in bursts, and at some point you just run out of energy to tap. you just sink to the bottom. and it is timeless here, calm, but unsettling. there is a voice telling you, desperate, that you are wasting your life away on this ocean floor, but it is easier to ignore it, so you stay. you see the sun, even at this depth, shimmering through the water, and you reach up towards it. you see your arm at an awkward angle, you micro zoom into the texture of your very human skin. and you think to yourself, so this is what it is, being human. (can you feel depressed, but not in a bad way?)
what's silly is that I am catapulted out of this zone almost immediately, by distractions like watching videos or series or short form content, or being with friends. but always falling back to it eventually. does this mean the ocean floor is where I truly am, all the time? do I just sink back down inevitably, because really, I only have a finite amount of energy to stay afloat? am I battling myself, and I know it is all my fault, for not pushing myself to learn more, talk to more people, take more risks, do more good things? I am centering myself and I hate that. I can't even drink enough water in a day. It's a good day if I take a few sips.
I feel I want to create but sometimes it's like I have nothing in me. and I know the obvious solutions. be inspired, do new things, all that. so why is it so hard sometimes? my mind is so heavy, with nothing.
tomorrow I'll be distracted again.