Today we watched the Netflix documentary that blew up a while back. I’m writing this at 4am because I couldn’t stop watching it - and now that it’s done I’m truly spooked. It was the way it was filmed, the way it was told, the reality of it all, that was truly terrifying. You hear about serial killers and murders all the time but it’s when you really hear about this level of detail and everyone’s point of view of the same thing.. and you automatically want to get inside their head and think why, why, why would they do this but that’s what they want in the end.. the notoriety, attention, and that’s what I’m giving him now. But because the crimes were so heinous, I cannot stop giving it attention. Since they couldn’t show the video footage, they’d describe it and show maybe the corner of the video and that really, is sort of like reading a book, you’re imagining it all yourself and that’s horrifying. I am scared but it is a fear that is hard to explain, sure I am scared of the dark corners of my room (and I don’t think I can go to sleep right now) but mainly I am scared of the images that keep popping back in my mind.. the elaborate scheme just makes it more twisted, because he’s sacrificed another life like it did not have value, did not have any attachments to family. It is sick. It was a cat and mouse chase. It was like he wants to be chased. The way he glorified those idols from movies.. and even recreated that film scene in his murder.. that’s terrifying. As someone who loves films and their artistry, taking inspiration from a film and doing something so unspeakable is just unfathomable. Mainly, it is sad. This is someone who couldn’t tune in enough to realise the lives he’s taking away. I can’t say I don’t understand his motives and obsession though. That attention must be addicting. People are outraged, sending him death threats, but they have their attention on you 100%! That’s what he wanted, that’s what he got and that’s what he’s still getting in his lifetime in prison. Something that was interesting was the people talking about it broke down crying when they were watching the kittens being killed, but seemed to hold it more together for the murder of the person. I feel if you were to murder someone, to even be in the mindset to kill someone, you’d have to be so disassociated or phased out to be doing so, like a machine. At least, that’s how I feel I’d be. But a small animal.. they are so defenceless. It’s strange, the difference. I shouldn’t think about this too much, it’s sending my head into a spiral. I am terrified that I’m going to dream about this, because I know I will, and I don’t want to let myself fall asleep, because I feel I will see those images in my head again, especially of the human head floating in the bathtub. It is so sad. So incredibly sad. His best friend had to watch that video, and saw his face in that bathtub. I can’t imagine being the family of the victim. Surely I’d want to end my own life then. I’d be in the state of shock horror disbelief for the rest of my life. My brain would disassociate for me. It’s one thing to kill people from a distance on the battlefield, it’s another to do it targeted to specific individuals and leave breadcrumbs for people to chase you, and have the obsession to gain fame over such disgusting crimes. It’s sick. From the beginning it has been sick. The first video of the killing of the kittens in the vacuum sealed back is sick. The drowning of the cat in the second is sick. The third kissing/cradling of the kitten before setting a python upon it is sick. But the filming of the stabbing with an ‘ice pick’ and disembodiment after is absolutely sick. I cannot believe he framed it like that shot in the movie he loved so much. An image of that movie is in a keychain his mother fondly talked about, for gods sake. She still believes he’s innocent and the puppet master was behind all this forcing him to do these things. I understand though, if I was the mother of him I would not be able to believe it either, or I’d know it was real but just be in denial. I’ve heard of filming murders before in another serial killer case in high school, I remember spiralling back then as well, because just the sheer idea of even being in that state of mind to not only commit the murder but keep it forever on video? In the digital world? Is truly inhumane. I think that’s even more disgusting than the act itself. To want to document that. To be able to spread it, to be able to rewatch it. I am someone who is passionate about recording every single thing, someone who wishes I could be able to look back on every moment of my life, even the bad ones. But this.. I just can’t imagine what could have gone so wrong for them to have that switch so completely off. It seems that most times that switch was not there in the first place. It is just sad. The whole thing is so sad. I am sorry for the family of the victim, the kittens, the people horrified by those kitten videos. I am so glad I wasn’t aware of this when it was happening and I was a child. Hearing about murder stories always leaves some sort of trauma at the back of the mind. Like humanity is capable of these kinds of things. My mind is reeling in images of murders I’ve heard of, especially the other one that filmed it, the one in Japan where they tortured her for an insane amount of months of unspeakable ways before putting her in cement in a barrel, the moors murders, etc. I just can’t shake it. Every time I close my eyes these ideas flash behind my lids, and it is scary because it could happen to anyone, and I could be involved in any way. The scariest part is everyone has a dark part to them that is attracted to this, sort of like the attraction-repulsion I talk so much about, and in this way sometimes you wonder could I have done that thing too? I know for certain I cannot. To do that would be to disappoint my family, and to cross the line as human, I would be in hell, be from hell, belong to hell, even if my body still walked the earth. And that’s terrifying. Some people who walk the surface of this earth, right now, have their morality, non existent. They are a special kind of person that I pity, because they lack so much warmth that they can’t even have the emotion of empathy. I just feel sad for every murder victim and every serial killer. It’s a disgusting, ugly part of being human, that you’re capable of doing such acts. not just take away a life but, to torture, have fun, manipulate people like it’s all a grand game. Life is not just a game and it is not something you throw away like that. Other people’s lives should not be something you grasp so lightly. It makes me so incredibly sad that these killers are so selfish to think that they can take control of someone else’s life and someone else’s family and friends normality. I wish they had more love in their life, or some small thing made them turn a corner in their path so they don’t end up with blood on their hands. Murders are glorified in films, war images desensitised in our minds, but when we see it in real life that’s when it really hits us. If you’re lucky, you never have to see a mutilated body in your life. It’s going to keep happening scattered all around the world, I just hope the people affected find peace again. That’s the best you can hope for. I don’t think he deserves to die but I hope he feels some degree of guilt, just to recognise his wrong doing is huge for someone who was in his mindset. I hope he understands the gravity of the crime and what it means to take life from someone. That’s the most valuable thing life on earth can offer. Family, friends, hope, passion, you cut off all those ties of this one person in those few moments. I am grieving for the victim and for the killer. I am sorry it had to be this way. I wish it didn’t happen at all. But someone would just take his place. The world is fully capable of twisted things and it is easy to blur this out in everyday life, but it shouldn’t be taken lightly. I just hope the people affected find peace, I really do.
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| before those kittens got killed on camera from the vacuum suctioned bag |
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| one of the main people involved in hunting him down in that FB group |
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he was definitely smirking when he got arrested, so sick, this attention and notoriety is all he wanted,
at the end of this cat-and-mouse game |
