isolation mindset + (drawing: biting down on the bones of my fingers)

it's been a bit over a week (?), maybe nearly two since isolation and as with my previous experiences of staying indoors for a long time things start to build up, thoughts, and the guilt of not really doing much, and it all goes to your head which causes you to not be able to do exactly what you need to do - use your head to sort out these blog posts.

now that I am drawing more and more on procreate with all this time being indoors (though, I feel these drawings are not leading me anywhere closer to where I want to be in degree show, it feels like I'm floating in the same space) (everyday I feel like I'm trying to catch up with my thoughts from the previous days (because sometimes I start one blog post and it ends up being three and I end up doing half of each and the next days I try to remember what I was thinking and its all very overwhelming like I'm doing multiple essays on different wavelengths at once even though they're all just ramblings threaded together) (and that build up of the hundred blog posts from months before - I keep starting posts and never finishing them because it all got so busy) it creates a chaotic mindset because I feel like I'm always trying to catch up and even if I do catch up, that place I reach is nowhere near the place I want to be at degree show. so its kind of hard for me to look forward to what I want to achieve in this quarantine because the future is so uncertain, I don't know what to focus on, should I do planning for paintings I might have time to paint? or do more presentable digital stuff? I am in a very anxious place right now and I feel I am nearing that explosion that comes every few weeks but the worst thing is I know it's all in my head and I know everything is literally fine and I will have time to do things (but what things??) I don't think my dyspraxic tendencies are helping, now I feel I have even less time perception because there is no uni routine or certainty of the future. and my thoughts, of course, they're all unravelled and going in different directions. it's like, every time I have a thought, and I think it has the potential to lead somewhere, and I think that's great, but then everyday there's a small thought like that (and they become a blog post eventually) but I have no idea how to string them together or execute them successfully into something, it honestly feels like I have two weak hands trying to grip onto a hundred strings at once, each leashed onto a wild animal trying to slip away from me, and my weak memory of them. I don't know if that made any sense at all, I just know my head is so full right now, of nothing really, just the residue of the eight distressing dreams I had this morning till noon. add that to the guilt of not achieving anything and my head feels so heavy.

anyway, yesterday I did this drawing, it doesn't really do anything to the degree show but it felt good I think, to do more drawings and experiment with different textured brushes on procreate, and I am not confident in drawing at all, but I am proud that I did this drawing, I had the urge to draw this girl biting down on all the bones of her fingers, whilst being on this train she wants to get off but at the same time shes scared to get off. (could be inspired by this dream I had where I was on this bus desperate to get off but couldn't gather my things...) (also, of course, the 'train' motif...) (which I looked at the iconic spirited away train for reference in this drawing..) sometimes I think I get myself into this anxious mindset just because I think too much and that's obviously my fault. but if I don't think through it all these ??feelings will just build up, so I just have to let it come up and wash over. ah, now the sun is shining on my back in my bedroom and I think that's so cruel. here's the drawing.