Anxieties surrounding the virus is at an all time high, there seems to be panic as we are receiving more news about places shutting or being delayed. Fear seems to be spreading with the access to social media posts even though most are merely informative. It is a very uncertain time, worries of our degree show taking place and my visa and MA course is of course fogging up my mind. I know we should take this weeks at a time but it is hard even though it is not as dramatic as people make it - like an apocalypse seen in movies. I am finding it difficult to get to work even though I have a lot of blog posts to catch up with on here (and am grateful I can do it now, to be honest) - thoughts I’ve started but never finished since being so wrapped up in the MCP and Lisbon and Copeland etc (now I have around 120 posts to write up..) I know that everything’s fine, social distancing, self quarantine, fine fine fine, and eventually it’ll get better, but it’s a strange feeling because even though I’ve been here without my family this whole time, it’s another feeling to have the world in a pandemic crisis and not be with your family. at the same time, I do not want to fly back at all. I have too much to do here and there’s no guarantee of flying back. There are too many possibilities on what you can do from this point on, and I’m getting overwhelmed because the one set routine of uni is gone. Yes I am freaking out irrationally a little bit, it’s only hitting me now, when I KNOW everything’s fine and temporary, it’s just hard to do things properly and think about things when you feel at the same time all jittery but also not want to move for a long time. I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack right now and it is washing over me like a painfully slow wave and it’s frustrating because I know everything’s fine. seeing people’s stories on Instagram is adding to this somehow, and especially when you know that there are people out there who are joking about the virus, and the idea that people are being selfish enough to stockpile (I saw from an Instagram user her going to the local gun stores and people lining up outside, and she got the last two stun guns.. for what?) and all this evidence that it’s an apocalypse from the movies when it is not is making me feel extremely anxious because it is making me spiral irrationally into ‘the world is ending’ and the indisputable truth that most people out there do not get the ‘it’s not about you’ concept and that on top of this, the global crises that are already irreversible. I am not really making sense but I guess I’m just overwhelmed right now, our life span is literally the tiniest part of human history on earth and eventually the earth itself will die along with the sun and the galaxy. and then, finally everything will be in a stasis, nothing will change. This was from a video I watched from the very well researched and creative channel of Kurzgesagt over on youtube. I love their videos because you can feel how much the value knowledge and change for the better. I love them, but they make me feel extra existential, which is in itself not bad and not good. I guess it always goes back to my studio practice and what I believe; which is that, life is short which makes it all the more important to cherish it and fill it with your passions. It is especially hard when you are a sensitive/introverted person just trying to navigate this contaminated world. Yes, you meet people along the way that make life seem worth living, but mostly you just try and not get depressed seeing all this suffering around you that you can’t directly alleviate. It is devastating knowing the inevitable end of your planet and seeing irrational evils have their way. In ways I don’t understand. But I don’t think any of us is sent here to save the planet. If anything, it’s been impossible from the start, our human kind is doomed to sin and step on others to get what they want, there is no perfect society where humans live. I am making a lot of general depressing statements here and am aware I sound a bit crazy but I genuinely believe that humans, although there is immense amounts of greatness that shines through in the arts, are too susceptible to selfishness and having money/power over others. That is why living here is so overwhelming. You get fearful, sad, angry about little things, big crises like this pandemic, then global disasters that you personally can’t solve, and everything seems hopeless. The only thing that keeps me going, really, is the things I know are real and worth living for, which is the profound art, music, film, any creative form that comes from the most personal part of an artist, your own art, and the friends/family that are tied with you within your lifespan here. It isn’t much compared to the metaphorical (and very real) giant fire engulfing the earth, but it’s something. I know I’m very privileged in this life and I’m very thankful for it. Only having this pandemic affect me right now and being able to stay at home without working is a huge privilege. I should be mindful of what I’m contributing to the pandemic and simply grateful for what I have. I feel I’ve just zoomed from a medium range (the virus in London) to global and now again to the closest (my studio work). Feeling a lot of things and it almost feels like the gap between every single neuron, every synapse, is screaming at me simultaneously. Sometimes I like to imagine what that noise is. Human life is so strange and short. This is just a small part of it.