I had a little bit of a breakdown with feelings I've always had, but especially after reading a brilliant zine that I received after donating to a friend's fundraiser event for the homeless in Edinburgh (for Social Bite). In part with the Sleep in the Park event (for one night in chilly december, to raise awareness for the homeless) she also made this zine interviewing several of these homeless people. It just struck me how there are not enough people in the world that actually care about issues like this and how hopeless it all seems...
“Overcoming poverty is not a gesture of charity. It is an act of justice. It is the protection of a fundamental human right, the right to dignity and a decent life. While poverty persists, there is no true freedom.” - Nelson Mandela, Feb. 2005, "Make Poverty History", Trafalgar Square, London.
anyway, a sad vent in my journal..
it is very hard for me to think positive these days when the world seems to be rapidly ending with the multitude of global issues, and that is so overwhelming, a lingering hopelessness, of the certainty of the end, of how toxic we are as a species, that the beautiful things in life seem distant and washed over by this noise. I can’t help but feel selfish that I am not able to do much about those in need at all, and I feel so sad that it is going to end this way. I feel sick at how lucky and privileged I am to have lived this long in comfort, and I feel like I don’t deserve to feel sad because other people have it much worse. worst thing is, I don’t see a point in social/environmental activism because it could not be more clear that there are just not enough people in the world to make a global difference and finally make that cliché, ‘save the world’ a reality. I must be sick to think this. Of course every little step counts. But there are too many contaminated people, like myself, in the world to make dramatic changes. I wish I had more power and intellect than this. I feel sick to my core. I know I am missing obvious logical positives but I simply cannot see them right now. sorry, I feel all messed up.
afterwards, I was looking at examples in history of social activism/inspiring figures like mandela, martin luther king, rosa parks, gandhi etc. and I was in awe at how these people pushed forward for the greater good and it gave a lot of hope and strength to see them push forward no matter how dark the future seemed... but many of these great leaders of hope ended up getting assassinated and that just made me cry because there are too many evils out there... there will always be someone to shoot them down when they've sacrificed so much... it makes me so sad...
Everything is making me feel down and I feel I am in a depressive state, so low in the ground that it doesn't hurt when I fall... all the anxiety about the future (applying for MA, artist statement, having a good MCP, applying for projects/prizes, visa, etc.) is weighing in multiple layers and it all feels very overwhelming and maybe I'm just being dramatic but it is affecting my studio work as it is hard to keep a streak of doing work when you are inspired for a short burst of time (?) and you slip back in an idle place again. my head feels like it is simultaneously about to burst but also at the calmest point, the eye of the hurricane... there seems to be chaos around me but it feels numb. but time is chasing me and I need to keep pushing, I need to keep pushing....
“Overcoming poverty is not a gesture of charity. It is an act of justice. It is the protection of a fundamental human right, the right to dignity and a decent life. While poverty persists, there is no true freedom.” - Nelson Mandela, Feb. 2005, "Make Poverty History", Trafalgar Square, London.
anyway, a sad vent in my journal..
it is very hard for me to think positive these days when the world seems to be rapidly ending with the multitude of global issues, and that is so overwhelming, a lingering hopelessness, of the certainty of the end, of how toxic we are as a species, that the beautiful things in life seem distant and washed over by this noise. I can’t help but feel selfish that I am not able to do much about those in need at all, and I feel so sad that it is going to end this way. I feel sick at how lucky and privileged I am to have lived this long in comfort, and I feel like I don’t deserve to feel sad because other people have it much worse. worst thing is, I don’t see a point in social/environmental activism because it could not be more clear that there are just not enough people in the world to make a global difference and finally make that cliché, ‘save the world’ a reality. I must be sick to think this. Of course every little step counts. But there are too many contaminated people, like myself, in the world to make dramatic changes. I wish I had more power and intellect than this. I feel sick to my core. I know I am missing obvious logical positives but I simply cannot see them right now. sorry, I feel all messed up.
afterwards, I was looking at examples in history of social activism/inspiring figures like mandela, martin luther king, rosa parks, gandhi etc. and I was in awe at how these people pushed forward for the greater good and it gave a lot of hope and strength to see them push forward no matter how dark the future seemed... but many of these great leaders of hope ended up getting assassinated and that just made me cry because there are too many evils out there... there will always be someone to shoot them down when they've sacrificed so much... it makes me so sad...
Everything is making me feel down and I feel I am in a depressive state, so low in the ground that it doesn't hurt when I fall... all the anxiety about the future (applying for MA, artist statement, having a good MCP, applying for projects/prizes, visa, etc.) is weighing in multiple layers and it all feels very overwhelming and maybe I'm just being dramatic but it is affecting my studio work as it is hard to keep a streak of doing work when you are inspired for a short burst of time (?) and you slip back in an idle place again. my head feels like it is simultaneously about to burst but also at the calmest point, the eye of the hurricane... there seems to be chaos around me but it feels numb. but time is chasing me and I need to keep pushing, I need to keep pushing....