I had another scary dream about killing someone (flashbacks to previous ones, like the one I was carrying the body in a fabric bag up the stairs and blood was seeping through it, it was so heavy, the stench of death was overwhelming, or the other one where I had their open skull in my hands, and the blood was spilling over like soup in a stone cold bowl, or the multiple ones where I threw them on the ground and started smashing them, wanting to do as much damage as possible. they are usually not recognisable people, these poor people in my dreams, I don't know what triggers them, yes I've been into gore when I was a teenager, but I'm past that now... I think everyone has a fascination with this kind of thing... that's why horror films are so popular, I don't watch them cause I am easily scared. sometimes I think I must have killed someone in a previous life or something, it all feels so real, these feelings. but who knows)
here is a rough entry I wrote after waking up...
I grabbed a sword or something, comically small, and somebody grabbed it from me and I took a heavy, almost toy looking knife with a sharp end. It was kind of gold, it was more like a dagger, but it had a lot of weight to it and I thought, no way I could use this well. but I did, surprisingly, the main enemy, this normal looking black haired girl, one of those evil ones, came at me and I struck her first and she was almost shocked that I did, I almost got struck too but, I did it and did it again, those cuts shallow at first on her arm, leg, but mostly the face, and if she was in pain she didn’t show it, but she was weirdly not moving much and almost letting me cut her face up, it was almost netted by the end, but the cuts got deeper as I struck her, with my heavy dagger, again and again and I realised it got easier by every strike. It was scary because it was addicting, and there is a thrill to it, like adrenaline rush. And I knew we were triumphant in this fight but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to kill her, OBLITERATE her, I wanted to strike her until she cannot even think, then she’ll be properly dead. I remember distinctly doing a deep cut across her cheek and down the chin, it was smooth with some resistance it was the fear of getting killed and the hysteria of suddenly having the upper hand, wanting to almost guarantee a great revenge, it was sick. I woke up scared. I was in a very rigid position, I think my hands were just resting together upon my stomach. a respectful pose. It was 5am . I finally drifted back to sleep around 6, then I almost had sleep paralysis, I felt it coming, I was in a dream but a hand shaped size of force pushed me down on my right chest, twice, and I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling, and I thought nonononoNo and I exaggerated my features to wake me up, shattered my teeth, and I successfully woke up before my vision was crackling away like some data code fading.
here is a rough entry I wrote after waking up...
I grabbed a sword or something, comically small, and somebody grabbed it from me and I took a heavy, almost toy looking knife with a sharp end. It was kind of gold, it was more like a dagger, but it had a lot of weight to it and I thought, no way I could use this well. but I did, surprisingly, the main enemy, this normal looking black haired girl, one of those evil ones, came at me and I struck her first and she was almost shocked that I did, I almost got struck too but, I did it and did it again, those cuts shallow at first on her arm, leg, but mostly the face, and if she was in pain she didn’t show it, but she was weirdly not moving much and almost letting me cut her face up, it was almost netted by the end, but the cuts got deeper as I struck her, with my heavy dagger, again and again and I realised it got easier by every strike. It was scary because it was addicting, and there is a thrill to it, like adrenaline rush. And I knew we were triumphant in this fight but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to kill her, OBLITERATE her, I wanted to strike her until she cannot even think, then she’ll be properly dead. I remember distinctly doing a deep cut across her cheek and down the chin, it was smooth with some resistance it was the fear of getting killed and the hysteria of suddenly having the upper hand, wanting to almost guarantee a great revenge, it was sick. I woke up scared. I was in a very rigid position, I think my hands were just resting together upon my stomach. a respectful pose. It was 5am . I finally drifted back to sleep around 6, then I almost had sleep paralysis, I felt it coming, I was in a dream but a hand shaped size of force pushed me down on my right chest, twice, and I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling, and I thought nonononoNo and I exaggerated my features to wake me up, shattered my teeth, and I successfully woke up before my vision was crackling away like some data code fading.
I usually have eventful dreams when I am in a distressed /stressed state in the day, and I've been feeling that these days. usually it comes in multiples in one night and when I wake up I don't feel I have rested at all. I do want to use some of this material, and I have a lot of it, for some paintings... but the problem is visualising them... ideally, I want to have a perfect, realistic illustration of what it looked like in my dream, but I'd need to collage, but it seems wrong to take material online and make it my own... and plus it's hard to find exactly what you're looking for... I guess I could try for some (?) like a weird magazine cut out... but I guess I can also draw them (but I don't know how to draw things in 3D.... I don't think it'll translate.... but after the four hands meet event I feel encouraged to draw more freely... I think I will try, actually...I have yet to draw out the natural disaster Death dream I had a few weeks ago...)