Choosing the photo of my sister from summer was a snap decision. It was a sudden jump into something I've never done before, at least recently, to paint from an image without previously manipulating or collaging other elements into it. It felt like a fresh start from all the Noise of possible ideas surrounding my mind. When things seem too much, starting with something simple helps... you learn things in another way and it doesn't get overcomplicated in the beginning. I've had this photo in my 'potential for painting' folder since summer now, and I never really thought about why that is. When I think about the situation itself, it is the moment when she finally gives up staying awake/'play time' and lies on the bed with the cat doll (which I also have a matching one, from a tokyo disney trip we went on a few years back... a lot of things were different then) and also our real cat lying beside her, who was forced to stay on the bed by my sister. Our cat always wants to jump off the bed but my sister holds him down and eventually he gives up, too. So there she is, sort of tired, sort of awake, like my cat.
It is extremely curious how living organisms like us sleep to repair, re-energise just to function for a few more hours, like we are running a marathon or are on a journey that is life-long. And the dreams that occur at night - sometimes I have so many dreams in one night for continuous nights I don't feel I've rested at all. But dreams are an entire, endlessly vast topic. What I see here in the image is my sister, moments before she falls asleep into the human routine that we all share, ever since we were born. I think I was intrigued by the picture itself because there is something very vulnerable in a sleepy child's eyes, one that is clutching a doll by her side. I feel that I can feel the pile of worries that has built up even in such a short time of being alive. It is something very human and relates back to what was taught to me in my religion (Buddhism) that life is just a cycle of birth, aging, illness, death... basically, we are here to suffer in humanity until we reach enlightenment and return back to paradise again... and that we are very lucky to have reincarnated into humans so that we can actually have the intellect to reach it unlike animals.
Of course, to talk about this painting I have to think about my relationship with my sister. She was born in 2009, so she is around 10 years old, and we do have eleven years between us. We've never fought, I don't think I've ever been mad at her, and I do think she is a good kid. It is hard to think back because my memory of things is very blurry and sadly I don't remember much at all. That is why I take so many pictures and videos of everything everyday, if I am with someone I could take almost a thousand. Perhaps I am deathly afraid of forgetting, which I will, perhaps that is why I have this blog, because once I am past a mindset or event in my life it is gone. Perhaps the feeling is still there but I have no recollection of details that are important. Another thing that Viola noted down is relevant again:
What is not recorded does not exist... that is how I feel. Life moves on so fast that there is no time for our pathetic brains to remember every single detail which I find immensely sad. Imagine living your life and not remembering every single thing you experienced. The good, the bad, the in between, that's what makes up your life. How can I bear to forget? Who even am I without my memories? This obsession with recording things started before and around my sister was born, when I had one of my first digital cameras, I begged and begged for a sibling then when I finally got one, I took infinite pictures and videos of her every day, and she'll thank me for that in the future.
When people say life's a blur, it really is, and it's a fast one too, suddenly my sister is ten and I am in my twenties. Unfortunately, I will be missing a lot of her growing up as I am at university, but, cruelly, I have a strange wall up when it comes to family that is unfeeling, apathetic. Maybe it stemmed from feeling embarrassed to show affection and support as a teenager, maybe it is the language barrier (I am no longer fluent in mandarin, I can only say basic things now, I cannot emote the way I can in english), maybe it is because I am so far away from home that it would be too painful if I did, why would I feel sad when I can push it all down and away? Yes, recently I have realised that I actually care very extremely deeply about my family but I have never shown it explicitly and I never will. I cannot. Maybe I am sick. Maybe that trauma of calling an ambulance for my mum and waiting at home with my baby sister in nz startled me so much I did not know how to act normally after that. How can I care for them so much but not show a thing? I am basically mute. It feels like I am trapped in a cage. But I am probably being overdramatic. I had a great time with my family last summer. I was a kid again.
As with my sister, she is the complete opposite of me, in her personality. My mum often texts me about her endless concerns about how she is not doing well academically and how she'd lie about things like she's already done homework at school. She is mischievous, playful, and probably lonely. It is funny because I often forget that she is only my half-sister, we did not have the same dad. Fortunately, both of our dads are out of our lives now. But I don't feel anything about it anymore, no sadness (why would I feel sad about it? I have my mum), I have long brushed that past me. As for my sister's lying, my mum says she realised that she lies to get extra attention. My mum is so busy with work, there is not enough time in the world for her to cook dinner or play with her etc. That's partly the reason why she got us the cat, my sister loves him so much and is always playing with him. My mum feels guilty about this... but I said, you shouldn't be, your career is important. When I was growing up, I was fine on my own, I felt indifferent to the fact that maybe there is less time spent with family. I was grateful to have her in my life at all. When I was in boarding school by myself in new zealand, maybe I did miss my mum for a bit in the beginning, but I had to move on. I was being selfish. She is supporting me from all the way across the world. What more could I ask for? And if she wants to chase her career, why wouldn't I support her fully? Of course she should do the things she wants to do, why else is she on this earth? That's why I agree that children are a burden. My mum once told me to not have any children because they are a waste of time, money, energy, which probably is half a joke but I think it is absolutely true. It is just pushing another life into the cycle of suffering again. Maybe I am being a bit cruel but life is the cruelest thing of all. We are all here to try to survive this sick game. At certain points of living you just have to let out a bitter laugh and sleep it away.
That is not to say that I only view life in such a pessimistic way. (is it pessimistic? it is just realistic) I do think life is a beautiful thing, and it is insane now a life can be created from another life, and how that life can have thoughts and feelings and impact you back. Reading Viola's book made me think about being human a lot more recently, and I am realising more and more now just how fragile we are as humans. So many things could go wrong from even before we were born, and so many evils out there are out to bruise us with traumas that we will carry for the rest of our lives. Which is precisely why it is so important to feel, learn from, and forget the bad things that happen and focus on the good things, the beautiful mundane things, the eye-opening things that make you grateful to be alive. And that includes the people around you, your friends, your immediate support, your family. I only have two family members that I care this deeply about, but it is mainly my mother. But because I am embarrassed about it, I still don't know why I can't just goddamn get over this wall, I have never said anything to her face or, written a letter, or anything, but I am hopeful I can have it reach her before one of us passes away. Death is unforgiving and I am not as scared of my own death as I am of my mother's and sister's. If my family dies, you might as well kill me. That will be the end of my life.
I guess I do feel strongly about my family, but I have never painted them directly before. It is a very raw part of someone, I think, to paint a picture of someone they care deeply about, but also feel like I don't. I am still unsure how I stand with my family, but at the same time I am. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't pick up the phone when my sister rings me, because there is nothing to say. Also, I don't know how to have a conversation in mandarin anymore. I think I've picked up her calls maybe twice this year, and all I can muster up is one-worded utters and open silences. I do feel guilt, and I will regret it in the future, but I just cannot do it.
This reminds me of lyrics from MARINA's song that I like a lot:
I feel like that sort of feeling is felt by everyone..that feeling before realising your day is over, it may be an exhausting day but sometimes you don't want to sleep just yet, your mind is so awake but your body is so tired, there's another thing you want to see on your phone, another idea you are mulling over, another person you are thinking about, wondering about the endless possibilities that could be your life tomorrow, or the next day, or what could have been, in the past, all the regrets you breathed through... and this sleep, though your body craves it so much, your mind is thinking, what a waste of time! or, today was so meaningless, tomorrow's going to be a fresh start! or, please, no nightmares tonight! or, thank god it's nighttime, now I can escape the real life and real responsibilities... at least for a little while...
This is making me think of something Bill Viola wrote in his book (REASONS FOR KNOCKING AT AN EMPTY HOUSE) again:
p.98 Possibly the most startling thing about our individual existence is that it is continuous. It is an unbroken thread - we have been living this same moment ever since we were conceived. It is memory, and to some extent sleep, that gives us the impression of a life of discrete parts, periods, or sections, of certain times, or “highlights.” Hollywood movies and the media, of course, reinforce this perception.
If things are perceived as discrete parts or elements, they can be rearranged. Gaps become most interesting as places of shadow, open to projection. Memory can be regarded as a filter (as are the five senses) - it is a device implanted for our survival.
It is extremely curious how living organisms like us sleep to repair, re-energise just to function for a few more hours, like we are running a marathon or are on a journey that is life-long. And the dreams that occur at night - sometimes I have so many dreams in one night for continuous nights I don't feel I've rested at all. But dreams are an entire, endlessly vast topic. What I see here in the image is my sister, moments before she falls asleep into the human routine that we all share, ever since we were born. I think I was intrigued by the picture itself because there is something very vulnerable in a sleepy child's eyes, one that is clutching a doll by her side. I feel that I can feel the pile of worries that has built up even in such a short time of being alive. It is something very human and relates back to what was taught to me in my religion (Buddhism) that life is just a cycle of birth, aging, illness, death... basically, we are here to suffer in humanity until we reach enlightenment and return back to paradise again... and that we are very lucky to have reincarnated into humans so that we can actually have the intellect to reach it unlike animals.
Of course, to talk about this painting I have to think about my relationship with my sister. She was born in 2009, so she is around 10 years old, and we do have eleven years between us. We've never fought, I don't think I've ever been mad at her, and I do think she is a good kid. It is hard to think back because my memory of things is very blurry and sadly I don't remember much at all. That is why I take so many pictures and videos of everything everyday, if I am with someone I could take almost a thousand. Perhaps I am deathly afraid of forgetting, which I will, perhaps that is why I have this blog, because once I am past a mindset or event in my life it is gone. Perhaps the feeling is still there but I have no recollection of details that are important. Another thing that Viola noted down is relevant again:
p.122 Rather than being a past tense, memory becomes the future, informing all present actions and continually being updated, modified, and invented…History serves the present. It exists in the present. The concept of history is inextricably linked to the process of recording (i.e., “historical records”) What is recorded (whether it be a computer disc or a stone, intentional [photograph] or not [petrified forest]) is history. What is not recorded does not exist.
What is not recorded does not exist... that is how I feel. Life moves on so fast that there is no time for our pathetic brains to remember every single detail which I find immensely sad. Imagine living your life and not remembering every single thing you experienced. The good, the bad, the in between, that's what makes up your life. How can I bear to forget? Who even am I without my memories? This obsession with recording things started before and around my sister was born, when I had one of my first digital cameras, I begged and begged for a sibling then when I finally got one, I took infinite pictures and videos of her every day, and she'll thank me for that in the future.
When people say life's a blur, it really is, and it's a fast one too, suddenly my sister is ten and I am in my twenties. Unfortunately, I will be missing a lot of her growing up as I am at university, but, cruelly, I have a strange wall up when it comes to family that is unfeeling, apathetic. Maybe it stemmed from feeling embarrassed to show affection and support as a teenager, maybe it is the language barrier (I am no longer fluent in mandarin, I can only say basic things now, I cannot emote the way I can in english), maybe it is because I am so far away from home that it would be too painful if I did, why would I feel sad when I can push it all down and away? Yes, recently I have realised that I actually care very extremely deeply about my family but I have never shown it explicitly and I never will. I cannot. Maybe I am sick. Maybe that trauma of calling an ambulance for my mum and waiting at home with my baby sister in nz startled me so much I did not know how to act normally after that. How can I care for them so much but not show a thing? I am basically mute. It feels like I am trapped in a cage. But I am probably being overdramatic. I had a great time with my family last summer. I was a kid again.
As with my sister, she is the complete opposite of me, in her personality. My mum often texts me about her endless concerns about how she is not doing well academically and how she'd lie about things like she's already done homework at school. She is mischievous, playful, and probably lonely. It is funny because I often forget that she is only my half-sister, we did not have the same dad. Fortunately, both of our dads are out of our lives now. But I don't feel anything about it anymore, no sadness (why would I feel sad about it? I have my mum), I have long brushed that past me. As for my sister's lying, my mum says she realised that she lies to get extra attention. My mum is so busy with work, there is not enough time in the world for her to cook dinner or play with her etc. That's partly the reason why she got us the cat, my sister loves him so much and is always playing with him. My mum feels guilty about this... but I said, you shouldn't be, your career is important. When I was growing up, I was fine on my own, I felt indifferent to the fact that maybe there is less time spent with family. I was grateful to have her in my life at all. When I was in boarding school by myself in new zealand, maybe I did miss my mum for a bit in the beginning, but I had to move on. I was being selfish. She is supporting me from all the way across the world. What more could I ask for? And if she wants to chase her career, why wouldn't I support her fully? Of course she should do the things she wants to do, why else is she on this earth? That's why I agree that children are a burden. My mum once told me to not have any children because they are a waste of time, money, energy, which probably is half a joke but I think it is absolutely true. It is just pushing another life into the cycle of suffering again. Maybe I am being a bit cruel but life is the cruelest thing of all. We are all here to try to survive this sick game. At certain points of living you just have to let out a bitter laugh and sleep it away.
That is not to say that I only view life in such a pessimistic way. (is it pessimistic? it is just realistic) I do think life is a beautiful thing, and it is insane now a life can be created from another life, and how that life can have thoughts and feelings and impact you back. Reading Viola's book made me think about being human a lot more recently, and I am realising more and more now just how fragile we are as humans. So many things could go wrong from even before we were born, and so many evils out there are out to bruise us with traumas that we will carry for the rest of our lives. Which is precisely why it is so important to feel, learn from, and forget the bad things that happen and focus on the good things, the beautiful mundane things, the eye-opening things that make you grateful to be alive. And that includes the people around you, your friends, your immediate support, your family. I only have two family members that I care this deeply about, but it is mainly my mother. But because I am embarrassed about it, I still don't know why I can't just goddamn get over this wall, I have never said anything to her face or, written a letter, or anything, but I am hopeful I can have it reach her before one of us passes away. Death is unforgiving and I am not as scared of my own death as I am of my mother's and sister's. If my family dies, you might as well kill me. That will be the end of my life.
I guess I do feel strongly about my family, but I have never painted them directly before. It is a very raw part of someone, I think, to paint a picture of someone they care deeply about, but also feel like I don't. I am still unsure how I stand with my family, but at the same time I am. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't pick up the phone when my sister rings me, because there is nothing to say. Also, I don't know how to have a conversation in mandarin anymore. I think I've picked up her calls maybe twice this year, and all I can muster up is one-worded utters and open silences. I do feel guilt, and I will regret it in the future, but I just cannot do it.
This reminds me of lyrics from MARINA's song that I like a lot:
You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable / You are not a robot /You're lovable, so lovable /But you're just troubled
Guess what I'm not a robot, a robot /Guess what I'm not a robot, a robot
You've been hanging with the unloved kids / Who you never really liked and you never trusted / But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins / Never committing to anything / You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings /Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing
I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable / I am not a robot /You're lovable, so lovable /But you're just troubled
It makes me sad, but there is something about communicating with your family when you are away that is sadder, I feel like when I pick up the phone the wall I put up turns to glass and it will shatter any second and I will cry from everything that has built up behind that wall. So I just gate it, and double gate it, and forget those feelings even exist at all. But then again, am I just being pathetic and overdramatic? When I go back home everything is literally fine. I only feel extremely sad when I think about having to leave again or when I worry too much about how my family could pass away any day. Ah, life is brutal but sometimes you have to stop yourself from pondering on sad things too much otherwise you'll kill yourself from inside out one day.
Painting this portrait was a big step for me. Maybe it isn't obvious when you look at it but, apart from the insecurity in technique (I have no idea how to paint a face / flesh, I wanted to see how I can treat the skin with oil paint, and I am very inspired by jenny saville + hikari shimoda in that sense) of course there is the choice of painting a family member when I am embarrassed to show that I care about them, I guess painting them is definitely showing that in fact, I do. Maybe it is an apology for all the phone calls I decided to not pick up. Of showing indifference in the past. I don't know. I feel as vulnerable as how I painted her. Tom said my paintings have always been somewhat autobiographical, and I realised that he is right. Everything is about me and how I perceive the world and my personal experiences and how I feel and how I think. Isn't that selfish? Isn't that just sick? Everything is about me, why would anyone want to look at that? Because they can relate in some ways? Because they see something different to how they see things? Because they care? Why would they? Some days I feel so sick of myself I wish I could exit out of my body. Not to die, but to sleep forever. I always have that ringing around my head when I feel the lowest, saddest, worst. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE BUT TO SLEEP FOREVER'.
Maybe that can be something to do with the title of the painting... it is quite sick? to put something negative on a painting of my sister, who is just a kid. That is why I didn't want to mutilate her face with gory elements, which I tend to be attracted to. It is just inhumane isn't it, being human... but is that thought negative? I am not saying I want to die, (though sometimes it sure as hell feels that way) but to sleep peacefully forever. To put life on pause while dreaming about lovely things. In a way, it is quite selfish and pathetic, isn't it? You are just running away from reality. But sometimes it feels like you need to get away from real life for a while. Maybe that's why this captured moment before my sister falls asleep is so significant. There are many ways to play around with the phrase... maybe one of them could morph into a title... 'GOODBYE FOREVER' (the concept of forever is a curious one too, does it even exist) (this implies death, in a lighthearted way?) 'SEE YOU IN DREAMTIME' (I've read about Dreamtime in Australian aboriginal beliefs from a world mythology book and it's been floating in my mind ever since - the creation of the world/beginning of knowledge and laws) 'BLISSFUL SLEEP/BLISSFUL DEATH' (the contrast of the extreme joy, something hyperactive and something with no motion or energy at all) my brain is sprouting different phrases left and right.. here are more:'I WANT TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL..' // 'I AM ONLY ALIVE WHEN I SLEEP..' // 'REBORN AGAIN..' // 'CLOSE YOUR EYES/OPEN THEM TO.. // 'SEE ME SEE YOU..' // 'SING ME TO SLEEP..' // 'UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP, FOREVER'
'UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP, FOREVER' ? Actually, I quite like that...it implies death, in a gentle way, you could almost miss it... the 'until'... indicating that life is finite, and short at that, as well as how you should always cherish the people you love in your life, even if it is hard for you. There is a hint of anxiety in that, my anxiety in my family passing away too soon bleeds through it. I feel that there is something lyrical about it too, I am picturing a scene where you are lying on the soft grass and the wind is brushing against your skin as you take in the essence of life around you, and you sigh as it dissolves into a blissful sleep that you cannot say for sure how long it will be, perhaps forever. precisely forever. breathing in the sweetness of the flowers you can just picture their baby soft petals that are just out of reach. out of reach in this familiar darkness...
Until I fall asleep, what? is there something I need to achieve? somewhere I need to be? something I need to become? what is driving this need? this need to live? this hope that is making me 'not want to die but to sleep forever'? No, I do not know clearly what the concrete purpose of this painting is, but I do know that it is conveying something uncertain, something in between, something vulnerable, something alive and most importantly, something not dead yet. I hope this is revealed in some ways.
Painting this portrait was a big step for me. Maybe it isn't obvious when you look at it but, apart from the insecurity in technique (I have no idea how to paint a face / flesh, I wanted to see how I can treat the skin with oil paint, and I am very inspired by jenny saville + hikari shimoda in that sense) of course there is the choice of painting a family member when I am embarrassed to show that I care about them, I guess painting them is definitely showing that in fact, I do. Maybe it is an apology for all the phone calls I decided to not pick up. Of showing indifference in the past. I don't know. I feel as vulnerable as how I painted her. Tom said my paintings have always been somewhat autobiographical, and I realised that he is right. Everything is about me and how I perceive the world and my personal experiences and how I feel and how I think. Isn't that selfish? Isn't that just sick? Everything is about me, why would anyone want to look at that? Because they can relate in some ways? Because they see something different to how they see things? Because they care? Why would they? Some days I feel so sick of myself I wish I could exit out of my body. Not to die, but to sleep forever. I always have that ringing around my head when I feel the lowest, saddest, worst. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE BUT TO SLEEP FOREVER'.
Maybe that can be something to do with the title of the painting... it is quite sick? to put something negative on a painting of my sister, who is just a kid. That is why I didn't want to mutilate her face with gory elements, which I tend to be attracted to. It is just inhumane isn't it, being human... but is that thought negative? I am not saying I want to die, (though sometimes it sure as hell feels that way) but to sleep peacefully forever. To put life on pause while dreaming about lovely things. In a way, it is quite selfish and pathetic, isn't it? You are just running away from reality. But sometimes it feels like you need to get away from real life for a while. Maybe that's why this captured moment before my sister falls asleep is so significant. There are many ways to play around with the phrase... maybe one of them could morph into a title... 'GOODBYE FOREVER' (the concept of forever is a curious one too, does it even exist) (this implies death, in a lighthearted way?) 'SEE YOU IN DREAMTIME' (I've read about Dreamtime in Australian aboriginal beliefs from a world mythology book and it's been floating in my mind ever since - the creation of the world/beginning of knowledge and laws) 'BLISSFUL SLEEP/BLISSFUL DEATH' (the contrast of the extreme joy, something hyperactive and something with no motion or energy at all) my brain is sprouting different phrases left and right.. here are more:'I WANT TO STAY AWAKE UNTIL..' // 'I AM ONLY ALIVE WHEN I SLEEP..' // 'REBORN AGAIN..' // 'CLOSE YOUR EYES/OPEN THEM TO.. // 'SEE ME SEE YOU..' // 'SING ME TO SLEEP..' // 'UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP, FOREVER'
'UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP, FOREVER' ? Actually, I quite like that...it implies death, in a gentle way, you could almost miss it... the 'until'... indicating that life is finite, and short at that, as well as how you should always cherish the people you love in your life, even if it is hard for you. There is a hint of anxiety in that, my anxiety in my family passing away too soon bleeds through it. I feel that there is something lyrical about it too, I am picturing a scene where you are lying on the soft grass and the wind is brushing against your skin as you take in the essence of life around you, and you sigh as it dissolves into a blissful sleep that you cannot say for sure how long it will be, perhaps forever. precisely forever. breathing in the sweetness of the flowers you can just picture their baby soft petals that are just out of reach. out of reach in this familiar darkness...
Until I fall asleep, what? is there something I need to achieve? somewhere I need to be? something I need to become? what is driving this need? this need to live? this hope that is making me 'not want to die but to sleep forever'? No, I do not know clearly what the concrete purpose of this painting is, but I do know that it is conveying something uncertain, something in between, something vulnerable, something alive and most importantly, something not dead yet. I hope this is revealed in some ways.