Right now, I’m not sure why but I feel all over the place. I think it’s because I’ve been thrown off a routine during the week we couldn’t go into the studios. As a result, I mostly stayed at home for a week and internalized my thoughts too much and made realizations about some negative traits in my character. Like how I am a pretty bad friend sometimes and how I used to always want attention (which I think still lingers today), it makes me sick. Anyway, I guess that is a personal matter. But personal feelings cloud or clear how you work. When I am in this mood every little thing seems to build up that much more and you feel like you’re approaching an explosion. Not the satisfying, firework-magic, but a dead silent one where its reach rebounds off the inside of your body frame. And you barely move on the outside even though you know the essence of your bones are all shattered from it. I’m being dramatic by using metaphors again. This is exactly it. I take feelings and blow it out of proportion like everything is wrong but nothing is! I’m so sick. What’s wrong with me? I guess you could say everything that’s wrong with you makes who you are and how you paint. Ugh, the least I can do is put this negative burden of NOTHING onto the paintings.
Anyway, I shared that feeling with some people and I feel the sense that those feelings are being freed bit by bit… like it’s getting unblocked… thank god. I guess people are social animals at the end of the day. I used to think I’m a classic introvert but I realized things start to go wrong when I shut myself off for too long (usually a week). What a joke. I want to be independent most times. And I know being alone is something that adults have to deal with more and more. I still feel fifteen and useless at heart. But I know I will grow, I just need to keep moving forward. Also, there’s just so much to live for! So many beautiful works of art to appreciate! To be inspired by! I cannot halt now.
I can definitely say that I have been most inspired by films so far in the recent years. I just had my Feedback Tutorial with Tom and it went quite well. He said that the reference to cinema has been working well, and I could continue doing that. I said that I’m afraid there’d be a danger of always doing that. He said I can definitely continue doing it for now, it doesn’t have to be forever, I’ve only done one. Which is very true, I over worry sometimes. I was nervous for some reason, probably because I was proud of the works I presented in my assessment and wanted to do well and better. I definitely thought some parts of my research journal was lacking. I asked him what I should improve on and he said perhaps a wider range of references and I can see clearly now that is definitely what I’m missing this whole time. That, and also the fact that I could probably benefit from working more in my sketchbook.
in summary of the feedback tutorial:
- him and alex were excited to see the works, think that the step forward I took was a good one, with oil paint and film references, helped with composition issues, also the explanations on those paintings really helped
- the boat painting could be a benchmark piece to look back on
- can improve on subject knowledge and analysis (wider range of resources/artists - like the ones he and alex suggested on the feedback form)
- can continue to work from cinema references
- research into the golden ratio (which I might have accidentally incorporated since it was already built into the film)
- research journal was good and thorough
- A-, though of course grades aren’t everything
- look into romanticism/gothic
Overall, I am proud of my unit 6 assessment. I feel that I put forward works that I progressed a lot in, each of them was a learning experience for me in different ways. I am now excited to do new experimentations but nervous for the month of February. Mainly because I know a lot of things that are going to be out of routine and comfort zone are going to happen. The PPD opportunity at the British Museum makes me very nervous, new people, new environments. Also that I signed up for a lot of things alongside that as well, such as the group show with Olive, Molly, and a bunch of people from Camberwell, the studio opportunity with Alicia Paz, and also the 6 Months Without project. I am also anxious about the Marseille trip, just because I am always anxious about trips (there’s going to be too much to take in!!!! so much to prepare and pack!!!!!) The money for the trip made me think about how I don’t have a part time job right now and I’m anxious about that. I did sign up to ArtsTemps but of course I’m nervous every time I sign up for something as well. Maybe I have some kind of social anxiety thing. I don’t know, I’m probably thinking about things irrationally again because I am in this Mood. I hope it passes and I just keep moving forward in a more optimistic way.
As for right now, I don’t feel like I should continue the film stills from the same film (though I did plan another painting from another still), but I could definitely return to it. After the Ken Kiff trip, I thought I could do some studies of more portraits or landscape scenes. Those are out of my comfort zone so I want to tackle them in a small scale. I’m still not sure though. I was going to draw, in more detail (with a tablet), more animal like faces on the pictures of myself on that day, like how I morphed them with black digitally. Hmm.
As for right now, I don’t feel like I should continue the film stills from the same film (though I did plan another painting from another still), but I could definitely return to it. After the Ken Kiff trip, I thought I could do some studies of more portraits or landscape scenes. Those are out of my comfort zone so I want to tackle them in a small scale. I’m still not sure though. I was going to draw, in more detail (with a tablet), more animal like faces on the pictures of myself on that day, like how I morphed them with black digitally. Hmm.