DON’T WORRY, GOD EXISTS FOR YOU AND ME
mixed media (ink, watercolour, gouache, acrylic, oil) on panel
100cm x 55cm
Largely inspired by the Japanese film Drowning Love (2016), I started collecting imagery by taking stills from the wonderful cinematography and compositions it offers. I also experimented with Photoshop, manipulating the figures in two different scenes - where Natsume was desperately chasing Koh, which I read as a metaphor in their confusing dynamic in romance and friendship. Ultimately, I was very drawn to this still in the middle of the film, where Natsume confronts Koh with all of her frustrations about the trauma they experienced together (the night of the fire festival - where she was almost raped by a man and Koh couldn’t stop him) by almost acting like a child throwing a tantrum - which further highlights the theme of their youth and maturity they were forced to go through. This was the moment right before she suddenly asserts dominance against him for the first time, pushing him over the boat and into the water, by the neck. She yells ‘You held my throat in your hands, didn’t you?’ and they crash into the ocean. Previously, Koh was the one to push her into the water, make her chase him through the town, drag her by the hair, treat her cruelly in general, but in this scene, he was static like a corpse and let himself fall into the deep blue. I found it quite saddening how even though she appeared to have the upper hand in this moment, he still dominated despite her crying, desperate act of violence. I suppose the title, Drowning Love (or the Japanese title, Drowning Knife) is what the audience sees throughout the work as they repeatedly confront or interact with each other in the water.
On the whole, this film was filled with metaphors and was very meaningful for me personally, I felt like I learnt a lot from this work. Beautifully woven together with clever use of cinematographic tools such as music, framing, and camera movement, it opened my eyes to the beauty of cinematography. I’ve always been constantly inspired by film, but have never attempted to paint a scene directly from one before (only once, but without the right proportions which I disliked very much), but now that I’ve discovered the tracing method I could paint freely along the set imagery. I quite like the contrast/conflict between set, rigid lines and wandering brushstrokes which was how I painted this and everything else I ever painted. I hope it showed through - I’ve also paid more attention to keeping certain areas more detailed in order to lead the audience’s focus to the desired place, such as the skirt and the sky. The larger, longer size of the panel also allowed more space for details to grow in a cinematic ratio. I also looked at Peter Doig’s paintings that were inspired by the film Friday the 13th - Canoe Lake (1997) and Echo Lake (1998).
This film is promoted as a romance/drama but I felt that it was so much more. It held the complexity of romance, youth, religion, friendship, beauty, trauma, pressure from society, etc. all strung together wonderfully in a whimsical melody. At times it felt youthful, like the life you’ve always wanted is about to start, other times you are grieving for something that wasn’t yours in the first place. The reason why I chose the title DON’T WORRY, GOD EXISTS FOR YOU AND ME is because religion is a topic that the two discuss a lot in their conversations, as well as the uncertainty of the future. Koh seemed to believe that there is no God for him but Natsume has a chance. At the end of the film it was insinuated that Koh would be looking out for her in Tokyo, as her God. The care for each other and the comfort in knowing someone is there for you is what gave me the idea for this title. As I was painting and listening to music, I heard the lyric (by owl city)’LET’S SINK OR SWIM ’TIL WE FALL IN LOVE’ which floated perfectly alongside this painting and what it represents.
OUTBREAK
oil on panel
57cm x 51cm
This work was a significant learning experience for me in the painting process. I learnt how to use real oil paints (instead of water-mixable) and new mediums (liquin) and discovered ways to illustrate what I want to in a new way. I also wanted to play with a composition with found and my own imagery to create a surreal situation. Again, I did this with digital collaging on Photoshop, and found images of the wolf, cake, woman, ring, diamonds, whipped cream, heart-shaped mirror online. These were largely made up of the aesthetics I was attracted to as a teenager before - I liked the innocent nature of cute-looking desserts and cakes and accessories, like life is never challenging and we are always having fun. I also used pictures I took myself like the waffles I ate and the swan I saw, as well as the building itself. In the collage I also tried to push the limits of each image slightly, warping the waffles so it hands like a piece of hung laundry, and slanting the perspective of the swan so it was sticking to the wall, flat. I also wanted to practice painting a human figure instead of sticking to only animals - but I knew I wanted to warp the face, but still paint most of this in a more realistic approach unlike my previous work. Overall, this painting gave me some confidence in using oils and illustrating objects and figures more accurately.
WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU
water-mixable oil on panel
57cm x 51cm
In the process leading up to this painting, I was experimenting with digital collaging using the cartoon figures, which were recent screenshots taken from a vintage Disney cartoon I watched over the summer. Of course, I am very interested in the idea of predator and prey, and this contrast of ‘to kill or get killed’ is a game of survival in which we all live in. I was also thinking of my childhood in New Zealand as I was still thinking on the concept of ‘identity’ from my previous experimentations. I’ve had a lot of good memories there - but also the worst, when I was 11 years old. The major trauma I experienced happened in this house, ( I took the reference picture from Google Maps) where my mother fell ill and was in extreme pain for a long time, and it eventually led up to me calling the ambulance one night, then we returned to Taiwan altogether. Every little bit of that whole experience, of seeing your most loved one howling in pain every day, a sound so inhumane I believed I was in hell. Rushing from hospital to hospital with a sobbing mother and baby sister in a foreign place, watching her throw harsh pills that won’t even do anything into her mouth… it is funny how when a trauma is occurring, your brain highlights these little details and makes you carry them for the rest of your life. The concept of ‘forced maturity’ and ‘trauma’ stuck with my paintings ever since that experience, it bruised my whole outlook on life altogether. My mother is somewhat fine now, having received treatment back home, but the pain comes back to haunt us from time to time. In my diary, I described that pain as ‘the devil dancing from her spine all the way down to her fingertips’ and wished some of that pain to myself but it never came. I believe that devil is still peering over her shoulder and snickering at her suffering, and I could and still cannot do anything about it. It is a helpless feeling completely void of hope. ‘WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU KILLS YOU LATER’ was something I randomly wrote down one day in my notes, but I felt that it fit perfectly with this painting. It highlights my somewhat pessimistic outlook on life’s challenges - but also serves as a comical warning to my future self, as well as that child in the past who was drowning in the fear and anxiety of losing a loved one.
As for the painting itself, this was the first time using the tracing method to lock down a more accurate representation of the composition I wanted. I felt that it was an effective process and have continued to use it. Colour has always been a challenge for me. I was largely inspired by the colours in Japanese adverts (especially a Shiseido one called The Party Bus) but I also wanted to lay down a layer of a color I know I wouldn’t use much on the painting so that some of it could reveal through in small parts. In the end, I left a lot of that ill-looking green, alongside the chaotic other colours. As a result, it now sort of resembles a feverish dream that you cannot wake up from. This was also my first time using only thicker paints (water-mixable oils) on a bigger panel, and I discovered that I could reach many more possibilities with the paint that I never could have achieved with the water-based mediums I usually go for such as inks and watercolours. I always paint what I see in the brushstrokes, which is why there are lines that don’t exactly make sense and an outline of a bird on a branch in the middle of the painting (which could also be seen as a metaphor for taking the first flight as a baby bird, growing up fast) I hope the phrase carved into the paints will be carried by the audiences’ minds for a long time exactly as a trauma would.