I was looking through old, older photos, and I came across photos from a particular trip to karuizawa, japan a few years back. The memory of it is fragmented, but it is there. It was only a few years ago, but I was and felt like a child, I remember that, and my sister was even more of a child. a toddler almost. I actually played with her in the snow at that time. We stayed in a cabin in the woods, and it was one of those rare ‘family’ things we did and I didn’t worry about anything, I was just a kid. My sister’s dad was there and I guess he kind of completed the family temporarily. There was warmth in the cabin, it felt like an oven, a nice cozy one where you can just fall asleep and never wake up. It was fake. It is funny because recently I had a dream about staying in a cabin in the woods. and it was a good dream. It made me miss something I had for a short time. I feel I didn’t treasure it enough when I had it. A somewhat complete family, my mother, my sister, even my stepdad, and me laughing altogether. In the dream we were staying at a cosy camp house made of wood and there was a large clear window next to us where we could look out into the neighbor’d yard. Suddenly we see something strange and comical. The neighbor’s pets, a fluffy white dog and two cats, all stood up, made their way down the stairs of the back doored step onto the grass then into the shed, all hopping. I even saw the dog throw something on the ground like a human. I point this out and we all start laughing. My mum was laughing her laugh that was so big that it turned silent and tears start to fall out of her eyes. Her laugh makes us all laugh and we are all laughing warm laughs against the cold outside and we were all so, so happy. and that makes me sad at the bittersweet memories of dreams and reality. I am looking through my dream notes and I realize I had another dream involving a wooden cabin and this time I was staying with friends. in the morning when I woke up I knew something was wrong. It felt like a premonition, like a deja vu, I knew it was going to happen when the cabin started to catch on fire and be engulfed in flames. It was a familiar panic, it had happened before. except it didn’t explode like it did the first time. Another experience that relates to this, I just remembered, was when I stayed in my friends wooden cabin during christmas two years ago(?) in switzerland. To be perfectly honest I was filled with social anxiety and the discomfort of intruding another family’s tradition and norms and all this festive stuff, I don’t really get. It was something my family never did. But it felt warm and inviting, yet I didn’t want to be part of it. I felt awkward and out of place, and i was scared of judgement by their parents. But I had a great time and am grateful for their invitation. It felt warm but I was constantly anxious. What was surreal was that the biggest disaster (or any event even) that had ever happened in arosa had happened while I was there. The hotel that suddenly exploded in flames was right across us, over the frozen lake! It was so strange because we could see the fire happening so clearly, and it looked like a creature taking its time devouring its prey, so incredibly slowly but at such a vicious rate. The firemen and collective of fire trucks wasn’t enough. Everyone in the area crowded to see the commotion. The imagery was surreal. Against the clean white snowy complexion of the surrounding mountains and post card layers of snow across the valley, this grey-yellow building silently dissipated away with the thick, dark pools of smoke choking every window it possessed. Yet these people were curious enough to crowd it, like they were watching a circus act. It was a greatly valued hotel for sure, but it seemed a strange idea to watch it burn down. In the end it had been many days and nights until it stopped burning. I don’t think it stopped while I was there.
Speaking of christmas, that is something that is greatly celebrated here in the UK. I guess the past few days I’ve felt strange to witness the great importance people put into gift giving and gift wrapping and sending cards and whatnot. The love is so open. My roommate, olive, her family is wonderful, her grandma sends her all these cute cards regularly just updating her about what and how she’s doing. It is very lovely. Her family is very lovely too. Her friends, they also spent a weekend away in a wooden cabin. It’s funny. I guess I am feeling strange because I don’t have any traceable memories of christmas with my family. Festivities were not important for us. It was a thing I saw other people celebrate. I say that, but of course we sit and have nicer dinners and shopping out. I guess we just celebrate it in a different way. Not as hyped up. But it was nice. I liked it, it was so simple. Last christmas I worked and I spent it by myself but it was still wonderful because I was thinking about the friends and family I had and how grateful I am for them, even though I am not always with these people. This christmas doesn’t feel very festive, I don’t mind it. I spent it with my other roommate, while simone went back to germany and olive when back up north to spend it with their families. It is nice, we watch films and read books like we usually do. It just feels funny to see everyone else post pictures of christmas trees and presents and spending time with a large group of friends or family. I don’t know if I am sad or happy. I don’t usually like being in a large and rowdy group. Hmm. I am thinking too much. I am ready to leave this year behind and power through.
Anyway, I was very inspired finding that one photo of the cabin in the woods, it triggered all these thoughts, finally I have a starting point again. But I feel that everything I do is linked with nostalgia. Maybe it gets a bit old sometimes. But right now, nostalgia triggers the most emotion for me. So I’m just going to keep tapping into that emotion. I was thinking perhaps I could collage something again and trace it onto a panel. We’ll see how it turns out after we return in january.
I also found this photos from a lot of years back of my sister and the step dad who we are no longer in contact with. I think it would be an interesting subject to paint also.
I think the playground is generally a fascinating place anyway. I might dive further into this.