Right from the start of summer holidays, in June, it’s been chaos moving out of the house. Personally, I do not like change, and in particular, moving houses. I just want to stay in one place, all my life. All this organised mess I’ve had mapped in my head now is forced to move out of their 9 month habitat. I’m not the most organised person. To be honest, my bedroom floor is rarely visible. So, to pack all of this mess into organized boxes was the most demanding and it took me the longest time to place everything in the boxes in a way that made sense. I don’t know why I’m writing about this here, but I feel the need to update this blog on my mindset since the start of summer. A lot can happen in three months, and I’m not sure if a lot did. But I do feel like a slightly different person. I was inspired by a number of things during those months (books: My Friend Fear, Mark Ryden: Pinxit, Cirque Du Freak… etc. travel: Japan, showing my friend around taipei for the first time.. ) I’ve also taken a liking to expressing (myself?) through makeup and clothes. Before, I wasn’t as bothered about these things. Now, however, I just find it so boring to not have fun eyeshadow or a statement lip colour. The face is like a canvas! it is rather fun. Waking up every morning knowing you can express or even inventing a different part of yourself. It was also very exciting going outside and taking pictures with friends. having mini ‘photoshoots’. I’m not sure if it is feeding vanity into my system but, it felt right to express a part of my personality in this way. Perhaps I can even use myself as reference for paintings/sketches.
Not everything was all fun and games though. I reunited with my mother and sister and grandpa, which was great, but ever since day 1 I’ve been dreading to leave. My worst, ever, fear in the whole wide world is losing a loved one or seeing them in pain or suffering. It is so prominent in my mind, hits me everyday in the face, ever since experiencing that trauma of seeing my mother in pain back in New Zealand. So bad I feel like I have anxiety attacks sometimes, I just think too much into it and I spiral. It happened 3 or 4 times over the summer. It is horrible but I talked to a friend and she said I have to have faith in my family. That reassured me a lot. Although I am still very on edge and worried about it, of course. It is quite suffocating because when I am home, I am usually not talkative or care-free like when I’m with my friends. I’ve grown up to show almost nothing to my family, my mum describes me as a ghost sometimes. So I feel the strange need to keep up with the facade that I don’t care about my family. No, not that, they know I care about them, but I cringe whenever I show anything that points towards that. For example, I can’t bring myself to help out with washing the dishes or carrying heavy bags or giving a birthday present or saying happy birthday. Normal family stuff. Maybe I was brought up ill-natured, maybe it’s all my fault but the truth is the complete opposite !!! I love my family so much, I cry about it, as mentioned, when the anxiety hits. Anyway, every time I think about this I think about all the other problems other people have and I feel selfish for feeling so much for such a small problem. I’ve been so privileged with what I was given in my life by my family and friends, I shouldn’t complain about trivial things. All of my art comes from personal experience and feelings though. So it is what it is. Back in foundation, when I was applying for BA, the tutor asked me what I think my subject matter is at that point and I didn’t know. And he said, I think, clearly, it’s trauma. and it really was. It was crystal clear! I feel like he opened my eyes. Everywhere I look, it’s trauma. It’s definitely deeply rooted in my practice even though I’ve only had 1 or 2 major traumas. Can I even contribute to this subject matter when others have suffered worse?
My focus shifts quite often though, as I am usually painting from some personal happenings that I am experiencing at the time, like Zoe said. For example, I painted the rectangle wood panel with the window gap because of the creepy neighborhood I was living in last year. A lot of the time my mind is all over the place and I have so many thoughts and right now is one of those times. University just started three days ago, I’ve just come back to London after sadly and quietly parting with my family, and cat, and tried to settle into the new house with my new roommates (which has been surprisingly smooth and lovely, I am lucky to have good friends). Anyway, all my thoughts are jumbled, I feel like I’m a mess from trying to come back from the Summer Mindset, I’m adjusting to the cold weather here which I am not used to, and a space that is right by the entrance of the studio. Usually I would go straight to the cramped corner as I have done before, but I am pleasantly surprised by how much I’m liking it so far. There is more space and hopefully it’ll encourage me to be more open and confident in my work since I do not have a lot of confidence.
The first lecture we had on Monday outlined the events that are happening in the coming weeks/months. They all sound quite exciting. I felt very reassured with what Tom said, actually. He said he was full of uncertainty when he started second year as well and didn’t even like what he made in the first year. I liked what I had in first year, but the uncertainty is building up. It is hard to be confident in your work when you don’t even know what you want to do yet. I feel like I am interested in a lot of processes and mediums, but I am just a bit lost. I agree with my tutor last year, Will, he suggested for me to try more theatrical works. I was extremely inspired seeing the Joan Jonas exhibition at the end of first year. I really want to do some video art, something abstract. I did try a small experiment of stop motion, and it was really good, but I am not sure how to go about it after that. I know what process I am comfortable in, which is painting with ink and watercolor. Even using gouache last year felt like a big step. I am used to the uncertainty of watercolor and ink and letting them do the work instead of the thicker mediums such as oil and acrylic. That was also another source of uncertainty because it seemed like everyone around me was painting in oils. My biggest obstacle right now, which I am annoyingly placing for myself, is the lack of skill. I’ve never painted or drawn realistically. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to, but I think I do. Well, to some extent. Sometimes I have ideas that I want to convey, that need more figurative styles I struggle with. For example, I see a lot of pop surrealism/lowbrow art that greatly inspires me, as my ideas often are in line with theirs, but I lack the skill to present, e.g. a teddy bear in sitting on a tree or, a little girl holding a menacing-looking balloon. I am going to try my best to overcome or work around this ongoing issue this year, hopefully with growing confidence through experimentation.
Right now, I have the urge to paint food/objects. I realized I’ve never really done that before, something so basic. Is that why everything I paint is so out of place? everything I try to paint is always floating somewhere uncertain, I wish it could be grounded sometimes. I feel like I am constantly trying to navigate my way through a thick fog. I also want to try painting in, thick? layers which is so, extremely, scary and intimidating but I have to, have to let go and let it be, I always think too much and let it get into my head and let it build up into a solid something that obstructs everything that I want to do. I am sick of it and I can’t wait to punch through those walls and just do it. Apart from trying more concrete styles, I also want to try video art, which I am also intimidated by. I feel that you really need to let go of all the boundaries you put on yourself in order to do something like that. Like a performance, you have to give it your all or it won’t be you, completely. It is like jumping off a cliff to fly higher. I love writing, and I’ve always struggled with trying to integrate text into my paintings, and maybe I’m just trying the wrong medium! perhaps I can experiment with inserting spoken word into some moving images. I love observing the melancholy city and record parts of that usually anyway, perhaps I can combine that and make something out of it! Yes, everything is sort of all jumbled up right now and I don’t know what is what and what to prioritize but the ideas Are there. I’ll just have to do my best to lay all these thoughts out these coming weeks.