The easter break went by in a blur. A nice, spacious, stressful, blur. April is a month of Birthdays. Mine, and many others. There must be something wrong with me, I always stress myself out from my own birthday, and others. I guess, for mine, I just want to have a perfect day. For others, the perfect gift, and more importantly, the birthday letter from the heart to say how much I really appreciate them. So when a lot of birthdays are clumped together in a month like April, I feel myself slowly burning out like a weakly lit candle. But it’s all good. I actually really like the idea of celebrating one’s life. Birthdays excite me, apart from the unnecessary stress. I know most people don’t think much of birthdays, it’s just another day that passes by in their life, another day closer to death. I used to think that, probably, but the past few years I’ve always celebrated my own by doing things I love with my friends and most importantly creating good memories. Birthdays are strongly linked to friendship and family, I realized. Without people you love, is it really the same? A day that comes once a year, it is personal to you yet it is a day shared by so many others in the world. When you really think about it, it’s just another stupid concept invented by humans. But then again, we need empty things like this to keep on living. We strive off of this, human concept. Even writing this now, I’m thinking of the numerous birthday letters and gifts I haven’t prepared yet, just from procrastination since I know it just has to be perfect. (some from last year…) I hate this feeling. I’m stalling myself from showing my love for others. You can show love in other ways, but writing a long letter is how I show it best. You can give a crappy gift but, turn it around with words so meaningful your friendship becomes the gift. Real True Friends won’t even care if there’s no gift anyway. They’re just glad you’re in their life. If I was going to give a gift, I would have to give her Everything. At least that’s how I felt. My best friend and I, we’ve never given each other gifts in our 6 year friendship. If we see something that we know each other would like, we’d just give it to them right then and there. No need for a day of giving. Everyday should be as valuable as the other. I believe this, but I also think celebrating a birthday is fun. I’m full of contradictions and I don’t know what to believe. Perhaps its possible to believe two things at once. I certainly hope so.
Speaking of 6 year friendships, I recently reconnected with a friend I haven’t spoken to in 6 years. No real reason, I just transferred schools just as we became friends, then lost contact (I’ve never been very good at everyday texting or calling, much less keeping a long-distance friendship). But she’s lovely and I can’t believe she still remembers me from my awkward pre-teen stage. What’s even more surprising is that she goes to UAL as well. Friendship and Destiny are wonderful things, I’m lucky to experience it. I’ve also met up with a good friend from high school I haven’t spoken to in 2 years since graduating, a very high-energy, hilarious, intelligent, motivating, person I look up to very much. Oh, it was magnificent catching up with him. He was talking about all these crazy dorm life he was having, but also about the amazing things he’s done in transferring his interest from theology to politics. All these experiences, connections he’s formed from socializing and working hard, it’s admirable. He’s always thinking logically and has a clear mind for his goal in the future, is aware of the world socially, politically, economically, all of it. It made me feel like I’ve been living in a selfish bubble. I always feel bad about not knowing enough about business, economics, politics, and I know its importance. But I’ve never grown to understand things like this. My brain… it just doesn’t take it in. Geography was my second favorite subject in high school (after art) (also this is where I bonded with him) and it was wonderful learning about the social issues around the world (there are so many! we are destroying the planet in every way possible) and the possible solutions. But I can’t keep up! The issues keep on growing! it’s ever-lasting! and yes, every bit of awareness and steps towards solutions help but, it’s easy to just brush it off and leave it at that. I never chose to study business or economics in school either, so I feel very uneducated about the movements that drive our world. I feel dumb, to say the least. I’m a spoilt brat. Honestly, the sense of hopelessness is omnipresent. I guess everyone in this world, we all have different passions, things that keep us alive. Without this purpose, we’d be dead. (this reminds me- I rewatched one of my all-time favorite films: tales from earthsea, it always makes me appreciate life so much. It really reveals the value of life to you in a beautiful and truthful way. the wizard Sparrowhawk says to prince Arren, who was convinced that he wants and desperately eeds eternal life: “Life without death is not life! Refuse death, and you refuse Life as well!” it’s truly an important film, especially for young people who have lost their purpose in life. a must-watch) Anyway, what I’m saying is, I hope its okay having different passions and that we’re going different paces in life. You can compare your successes to someone else, but you shouldn’t let that stop you in your tracks. When he asked me what I’ve been doing in 2 years i said… well… I’ve been… painting. But I’ve been perfectly happy. If only the Stress of Living wasn’t there to accompany it. The stress of reaching that point where you can be economically stable and not rely on your parents money, and just be happy with your passion. One day I’ll reach it. It’ll all be gone after death, it’s true, but what’s the point in living if you’re just going to live it as if you were dead? You don’t deserve this chance in reincarnating into a human in the first place. Yes, I’ll be eternally grateful for this life, to be blessed with a loving mother and sister and grandfather and friends and cat at home.
My 20th birthday was on April 7th. It felt like a more significant milestone than the strange 19th. I wrote a caption on instagram to summarize my feelings towards turning 20:
20. TWENTY. a seemingly overwhelming Next Chapter of Life. I am not sure if I am ready yet. but then again, was I ready for life at all. We begin to die the day we were born. Wow, that was morbid, let's conjure up some positivity!!! the mind is so powerful, if you believe in something enough it will start to happen as long as it's within your control!!! let's be happy today!!! desperately gathering bubbly happy energy when nearing a dark existential crisis, if that doesn't sum up my 19-to-20 year old mindset idk what does. on a real note, (but what is real???) nineteen was a year of transition. the bridge that carries from a fresh 18 to a concrete 20. It feels like a huge weight is slowly being shifted onto your small shoulders. but let's ignore all that!!! break that boulder with your bare hands!!! fight on!!! In the past year there was more awareness for who really stood by me - true friends are extraordinary beings that care for you and laugh with you and are with you because they genuinely want to and it's like you already created this bond so great that if you stray far away from them the world gets dimmer. You've given a piece of you to them and they've done the same to you. that is how important they are. they are the Missing Piece. I guess that's what people call Missing Others. the same concept with Family. as I live on the importance of friends and family just grows more prominent. and it's wonderful. to be human and to be blessed with the opportunity to love others. wow, emotions are a thing. I realise I get Overwhelmed by emotions & thoughts that build up every few weeks and hit a crisis point where everything explodes and everything is chaos and I kind of lose my identity in this fog but at the same time become more, me. So much background noise to fuel this chaos of nothing and everything. When I find myself trapped in this uncertain realm of chaos I don't want to die but to Sleep Forever. but no worries, I always wake up. Thanks to you and me, I always do. here's to the 20th year of Life!
I think, everyone who read that must think I’m a bit crazy. But it’s okay, everyone is, and so, so, so many people have it much worse than me. I shouldn’t act like a victim (I don’t even know of what) online or in real life. The people who have experienced deeper traumas, I always admire their strength so much. I think, having inner conflicts with existing is fundamental in living. It’s almost impossible to see a person who doesn’t have these turmoils. No, it’s definitely impossible. Without those days, you’re just a machine, humming to a fake tune. But I am a real life, breathing, body of flesh and blood and I’m susceptible to disease and injury and love and hate. What a complicated yet simple beings, humans are. Sometimes! I get sick of hearing myself talk about humans and existing and all this living NOISE. Get over yourself! you’re not more important than anyone else! you’re just you! Wow. I’m stuck here wondering again: what am I trying to convey to the world? What kind of impact do I want to leave in fellow humans, even after I die? Do I want to leave a mark at all? A burning imprint, or a feather-like touch? Do I want to show them the beauty of the world we live in, or the horrors of existing? Could I do both? I think I’m filled with conflict BECAUSE the world is full of it. It doesn’t make sense yet it lines up perfectly logically! Even this! is a contrast I cannot wrap my head around! but also? I completely understand it! Oh, everything is spinning like one of those colorful wheels you see in game shows. Life is a game! GAME OVER can come anytime! Player 1, you only have one life to live and so, so many ways you could die, from the inside out or outside in. But don’t worry! just have fun with it! ha! >>> START GAME. April 7, 1998.
On a more light-hearted note, I did have a wonderful WONDERFUL 20th. The thing is, I KNEW the new Wes Anderson film Isle of Dogs would Change My Life in the Best Way. I almost wasn’t going to watch it because of the IMPACT it would have on me.
It was everything Art should be. I cried from the inside. I was speechless. My heart was pounding to the beat of the drums. My mind was singing the song of Megasaki. Not only does it revolve around Real social issues that is relevant now and definitely in the past, the heavy evidence of propaganda shows a cruel side of our world that cannot be ignored. But it also has that care-free element of naivety and youth. It tells the adventure of a wonderful pack of dogs full of personality and wit. The story also chases the pride and drive of 12-year-old boy Atari, set on finding his dog, his best friend. And all of this, oh, all of THIS is executed in the most beautiful and perfect combination of stop motion, voice acting, music, script and dialogue, all of it. Wes Anderson and his team could NOT have created a more top-notch form of art than this. It makes you cry, it makes you laugh, it makes you re-evaluate life’s worth, it makes you learn things about yourself and the world around you. I seriously did not think anything could even COMPARE to the beauty of Fantastic Mr. Fox and I am immensely impressed at the pure genius that is Isle of Dogs. Every time I think of this film I feel blessed to be alive just because I was able to witness this ART. I could really talk about this film forever, I am so passionate about anderson’s stop-motion films. OH and did I mention I went to SEE the isle of dogs EXHIBITION on the day as well? Life changing. Truly. It was extended (till my birthday, wow) due to popularity. The ORIGINAL sets from the film, on display? What did I do in my previous life to deserve this experience? THE INTRICATE CRAFT OF IT ALL. I am forever in awe of its production. Anderson and his team are just, genius. True artists. I would go more in depth on this film but I can’t even bear watching it again so soon because of how overwhelmingly beautiful it is. Wow.
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| isle of dogs EXHIBITION london |
This blog post is a catch up of what happened to me, my mind during the easter break. I did not paint, I could have done more, but I was so overwhelmed by the birthday noise and friendships and also the stress of moving houses next term, summer traveling, money spending, and the weekend job. All of this is stressful, but it shouldn’t be an excuse for anything because everyone deals with this and more. I gotta get a grip. So, now that we’ve arrived at the first 1-2 days back at uni, to be honest, I am not sure what I’m working on right now. Sure, I am still interested in all the things I was mentioning before, and I would love to explore those subjects more, and I think I will, inevitably, but as a starting point now I think I want to start something new. Gosh, it always feels like I’m throwing all this previous thinking away, all these starting points that I haven’t gone through with yet with useful investigations my tutor has suggested which would be very helpful. But right now I’m distracted by other things I want to investigate. Like the subject of birthdays. And what it means. Like, was I really born on April 7? If a birthday is just a day where we age, isn’t everyday our birthday? I don’t know. But I wanna question the concepts in existence. But how? I think, visually right now, I’m attracted to big, simple, BOLD colors and strokes, but in my work, it NEVER works out that way. It’s like its too simple or something. BUT I REALLY WANT TO JUST PAINT FOR THE SAKE OF IT. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO PAINT WITHOUT THINKING. IS THAT SO HARD? THE MEANING ALWAYS ARRIVES DURING IT ANYWAY. BUT I FEEL STRANGE. STRANGE JUST PAINTING WITHOUT A CLEAR PURPOSE I WANNA ACHIEVE. LIKE ILLUSTRATION. YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO PRESENT ON THE PAPER. BUT PAINTING? ITS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. ITS A WAY OF THINKING THROUGH DOING. ITS A WAY OF SHOWING THE PROCESS. ITS A WAY OF EXISTING. I think I’ll go into the studio today and just paint with the colors I feel. Maybe even use colors other than pink, purple, blue. Risk-taking is frightening.