The group tutorial was very helpful/resourceful. Apart from the feedback from tutors in a one-to-one meeting, you also get feedback and questions by other group members. It was also inspiring to see others’ works and how they deal with their subject interest. Savannah made me want to create sculptures/set up scenarios to photograph them, Melanie made me want to try concrete poems/look into British conceptual art, and Amy made me want to write more poetry and try embroidery again.
I wanted to do so many things with so many ideas that it feels like my mind is going to explode. It is a certain point I will eventually, inevitably reach every few weeks, where numerous ideas build up alongside each other and bubble up at the surface and I don’t know which way to fall. I feel stressed, about nothing much at all, just feels like a lot of background noise just fueling this chaos of nothing and everything. Writing out my thoughts on here de-stresses me, but when I don’t find the time/mood to sit down and write about an entry I know I need to write (e.g. finishing an inspiring book, going to an exhibition) these many entries build up & I end up pushing it back, back, and I eventually forget what real excitement I had at that time and the thoughts I conjured up alongside it. Right now, I have about 10 entries I put off in the past 2 weeks, & it’s really blocking the way of me working actively. I don’t feel I am as engaged with each Thing and if somebody were to ask me what I am working on now I would say, ‘um, I don’t know, I have a lot of ideas, but I need time to figure them out…’ It is like I am surrounded in Fog. Like I am walking in a Giant Cotton Ball. I have Misplaced Myself Again. But I am probably just being Dramatic and the fog will clear as soon as I am able to grasp the tails of the ideas again. I hope there never comes a day I find myself completely trapped in this uncertain realm of chaos. At times like this I don’t want to die but Sleep Forever.
(the entries I have yet to write properly in this messy mindset: /// assessment overall, - finishing norwegian wood - michael armitage - buy moomin , poetry book , tove jansson , - lille , travel, friends, openness, - camden arts centre. - artist, centre, books bought , galleries after, paul nash book, // watching phantom of the opera // brighton, commercialism, buying expensive things, being away from home, restlessness with ‘rest’)
I think one of the reasons why my mind is so blocked and buzzing right now is because of the lack of time I had to myself, being Home, in the past two weeks. My group of friends and I went to Lille, France (two days of eating bread and walking around, it was great, but then, language barriers, walking around for too long in the cold until suddenly my skin around my finger cracked and burst into a crimson red splatter, my friend losing her phone and having to go to the police station far away trying to communicate in the last two hours before leaving… seems like I am only remembering the bad things right now, but it was a good trip… overall…) after coming back, my best friend and her friend came to london to visit the place and me, and it was just wonderful seeing her, and it was a lot of being a tourist and walking around london & chinatown & oxford street & shopping &… it was very overwhelming. sure, the schedule was very, chill, just going to eat and walk around but, for some reason it was still draining physically and mentally. I also went to Brighton for the first time with them & had a Night Out which was so fun but, i had to call in sick at work because I couldn’t make it back to london in time and I felt bad. I don’t really know why I am writing everything that happened in unnecessary detail on here but I feel like I want and need to be as honest as possible so I can paint an accurate picture of where I am right now and the kind of ideas and art I produce out of every Occuring and how they contribute to everything. My tutor said I draw a lot of inspiration from personal influences and I realize he’s absolutely right, I find it impossible to produce art not connected yourself, everything I make is torn from my being, strings attached.
It literally feels like life has flung me off the tracks I am used to walking on and now I am just floating in an uncertain??? somewhere???. and I look out and I look and I see nothing and I repeat the same nonsensical sentence in my head until it becomes a scream, but there is, nothing wrong, nothing wrong with my life at all, I have great friends, I had a lot of fun in those weeks, my neighborhood is scary but not as much anymore, my job is pressuring but it is just bearable, I’m just irrationally feeling like everything is wrong, even writing this i’m probably just dramatizing things, everything is actually okay. better than it.
Yes, everything is okay, I am going to take a deep breath and pluck out the idea that is closest to the surface right now. I said it in the group tutorial because it is the most conscious idea at this moment. I was thinking about the strange feeling of walking into luxury brands like burberry with my best friend’s rich, I guess, friend, and not being able to place how I feel about it. Do I want to own these luxury items? Do i want to own this black and pink plaid print scarf with my name embroided on it in cursive, carefully rolled into a poster sized tube with a rich red ribbon and gold italic engravings, alongside a piece of paper with my name printed immaculately on it again in a separate tube? for 310 pounds? Maybe I do. Maybe I am disgusted. I can’t tell. I’ve always grown up with rich friends by my side, in our school, almost everyone was wearing or carrying designer items. I never thought much about it. at birthday parties, we’d walk into their huge marble floored air conditioned mansions and line up with our presents. girls and guys would split the money for one big designer item. like a delicate handbag. or some high-end shoes. whatever it was, I was always in awe on the sidelines. I was in between that popular friendship group and my smaller, closer one. It was a confusing time in high school. but friendship groups/ ambivalent friendships (yet Another Thing I have Yet To Write About) are another topic. Anyway, my mother did not raise me to buy designer items every time I go shopping or, have a manicure every 2 weeks, which I was shocked to find out it was such a normal thing that girls at my school did. (I did my own nail art and it was great) But yes, I was feeling very overwhelmed by that Feeling again of luxury items and commercialism and globalization and, I just wanted to rest and have some tea and read or something, so I can escape this noise. Same with social media. I used to be very, extremely active on instagram and tumblr, and have built up a certain amount of followers I could interact with, but recently its just been too much, too much pressure! I see others doing the same thing I was doing and I just feel like, I should leave it to them. but I still enjoy it. I have sides of me I dislike, I feel like everyone has this narcissistic and materialistic side to them they don’t want to admit to the world but in the end, if you’re like me, end up posting that side of you all over social media anyway. It’s sick, but it’s addicting, I don’t know what to think, I just want to feel that short term satisfaction again. It’s an unhealthy thing I should cut out but I can’t because I genuinely do enjoy interacting with people online, I met so many nice people. in real life too. Anyway, all this, I don’t know how to call it, materialism? narcissism? Clutter. I’ve been becoming more aware of it, especially from starting to listen to the well-known podcast/ duo The Minimalists- they used to be two businessmen who did extremely well in the corporate world, they’ve succeeded, have endless zeroes in their salary, have mansions, cars, the american dream, everything they could ever want, but was it? Joshua Field Millburns started to question everything after his mother died and his marriage ended in the same month. He discovered minimalism and started to throw everything out. A decluttering of his materialistic life. and now, he is able to live a meaningful life with much, much less Stuff. Ryan Nicodemus was also the same. They were both significantly happier and able to focus on their relationships, themselves, and things that actually add Value to their life. To this day they continue to inspire others like me by talking about their philosophy on their podcast and in their essays/blog online as well as interacting face-to-face on tour. I have a strong, I guess, Response to this Response I had in burberry so I might do some work thinking about it, but I am not sure how yet.
- but I am also thinking about doing mark making experiments after Giorgio Griffa’s show at camden arts centre
- and children’s literature: moomin adventures
- and the NZ poetry book (thinking about where I was born, & the christchurch earthquake) I picked up from south london gallery
- when I went to see the michael armitage show (which had a quite mythical element to it, and I actually bought a tales/ myth fairytale book from a second hand bookstore recently, which I want to draw inspiration from after I read it) , which I have yet to write about
- I also feel bad about not furthering the charcoal animation experiments right now ( i liked it, and others seem to like it, but I don’t feel confident in my drawing skills to continue further now)
- and finding the time to read the library books on the uncanny and the interpretation of dreams and psychoanalysis
- also wanting to read the book savannah recommended, which is really something (101 essays that will change the way you think)
- & also wanting to read arsene lupin books i loved as a child, which i read in chinese, wanting to compare that to the english version
- but also starting this new book i bought in japan centre , battle royale , but the novel, but I also want to watch the film again & compare it to the hunger games
- i looked back at tutorial notes and i want to read on eric ravilious and paul nash (again)
- and kaka’s metamorphosis
- and watching eraserhead and where the wild things are (& take screenshots and collage and paint from them like I did with the company of wolves)
- and reading why look at animals by john berger
- and going back to finish the film and novel watership down
- but I also want to investigate the artists Paula mentioned in the lecture (and link baudelaire’s subject of the disorientating modernity and what I feel now) (and looking into the beauty of random objects put together and artists associated with that)
- just, so many things at the same time
- i end up doing nothing much at all.
- but I am trying.