Looking at this particular image from the film - one I thought to have the most violent impact (it was also the first big jump scare that really terrified me) - I had the compelling urge to roughly sketch it, and as I used pen and color pencil on the clean paper, the idea of monsters came back to me again. Before, I was thinking about the dark creatures that lurked in the shadows - a physical monster that exists just out of reach, it is something you can see, feel, realise into existence. As I drew an extra eye in the creature on the paper, I realize my mind was trailing towards the idea of monsters inside us. We hear about ‘fighting our inner demons’ so much that it almost is a cliché. I remember hearing a long of songs that reference to this idea of not letting those demons down you out. Like they’re some invincible creatures set on devouring you to every last whisper of your being. and I believe in them - yes, I do, they’re certainly real. as real as you think of them to be. Are the inner demons the same creatures we imagine in the dark? do they exist both internally and externally? which version is real? where is the blurred line in which we dream up nightmares upon?
Since those monsters are as real as you believe them to be, and I’m all for the idea of fighting them and standing up for yourself - especially recently, as I became more aware of mental positivity in immersing myself in an online community on tumblr (and made lovely friends, but more on online friendships and positivity later) - sometimes I feel that the best way to deal with something like that is to not fight it. Well, this really depends on your character/personality and how you choose to pick yourself back up again. Personally, I am not a violent person, I don’t initiate confrontations, I don’t solve problems by attacking with words or physical strength. I don’t get angry easily. I am a fairly peaceful person, if someone confronts me I’d much rather sit down calmly and try to communicate since there is obviously some form of miscommunication happening here. Perhaps write a long letter to apologize and explain things from my point of view. (*writing a letter to your inner demons?) Anyway, this is why I came to the idea of ‘Befriending Your Demons’ or ‘Monsters’. I like to think of them as real creatures with real feelings. Sure, they were probably born from your experiences, a Part of You. But shouldn’t that mean for you to be gentle with them even more? Shouldn’t you be kind to your monsters, a.k.a yourself? That’s the conclusion I reached. Also, the thought of befriending an enemy is almost more powerful and frankly kind of amusing than winning against them through a fight. At the end of the day, they are as fragile and scared as you are. You Are One. You should take care of each other and learn to survive with one another after accepting that The Monster is as real as you are.
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| even though it's a small, rough painting, I feel that it still has a large voice |
Yes, I was picturing a horrific-looking THING as I started to paint that creature in acrylic quickly. But don’t be quick to judge its disgusting, gory features, the melting eyes, the unruly yellow teeth. It is as vulnerable and desperate for kindness and care as you are. In fact, did I just paint myself? At first glance, it seems like the monster just wants to scare you away. Upon closer inspection, I feel like it is rather the opposite. It’s desperate for help! It just wants someone to understand, to hold their hand. (This made me think back to a scene in The Company of Wolves where the wolf had tears roll down its fur and Rosaleen says in lament: ‘I never knew a wolf could cry,’) Some people use anger or a tough front to protect their weak and delicate self. (Thinking of the monsters in Where The Wild Things Are that supposedly symbolise the Anger in Max again) It must be so difficult to have to push away people who actually want to help. I guess what I am portraying here is a creature who is showing its most raw, core feelings to the world. It might be only shown for only a quick glimpse, but it is enough to hear its desperate cry - “SING ME A LULLABY / AND PUT ME TO SLEEP”
The plead itself just came into my head suddenly as I processed these thoughts and put myself into its position, it’s a truly harrowing feeling to sink into its perspective, something that I created within my mind. I feel its quite ironic that with rough imagery like this, a monster with its mouth wide open - surely, it’s creating a loud, inhumane sound to attack you - but no, it’s in fact begging you to sing it a calm melody, something that can lull it back to a peaceful sleep, finally… I like the ambiguity of ‘put me to sleep,’ meaning literal restful sleep, or certain death to put an end to it all. Yes, to a certain extent, I guess I am revealing a raw emotion that I feel, something that took form in this monster, on this canvas. I long for a restful sleep. I long for… something I can only describe as a lullaby. smooth out the unraveling edges, soothe the echoing screams in my head.
‘Voices in your head’ is also another notion that has been utilized so much it is almost a cliché. But just like the monsters, they are as real as reality. Are they the same? I suppose the voices are more haunting in the way that they use the power of words over you directly, and can circle around your head until you feel like your skull is going to explode and blood, raw memories are going to leak out the cracks any second. I was thinking about this concept when I watched this anime the other day (another place I take great inspiration from. There are truly a tremendous amount of animes that are just, full of meaning)
‘Zank the executioner…originally, he was apparently the executioner in the largest prison in the capital.
Day after day, he kept cutting off the heads of the people who were begging for mercy. After doing this for so many years, it seems cutting off heads has become a habit,’
Although this is an entirely different kind of voices in the head, it illustrates how controlling and daunting it is to have them constantly ‘groaning’ in your head. How do you even live with your mind so full of undesired occupants? I’ve always wanted to add the element of text into my work - and going to the Basquiat exhibition reminded me of that. I admire how boldly and simply he puts his text down onto canvas. I guess I did take a bit of inspiration from him as I wrote ‘SING ME A LULLABY’ faintly against the black background. I’ve always done that with the doodles I drop down on paper, so why not on canvas?
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| screenshots from ep. 4 of Akame Ga Kill |
Although this is an entirely different kind of voices in the head, it illustrates how controlling and daunting it is to have them constantly ‘groaning’ in your head. How do you even live with your mind so full of undesired occupants? I’ve always wanted to add the element of text into my work - and going to the Basquiat exhibition reminded me of that. I admire how boldly and simply he puts his text down onto canvas. I guess I did take a bit of inspiration from him as I wrote ‘SING ME A LULLABY’ faintly against the black background. I’ve always done that with the doodles I drop down on paper, so why not on canvas?