On the whole, I’ve definitely been influenced by new artists during the weeks, however I still took heavy inspiration from the artists I mentioned in my project proposal.
My initial plan was to start by dissecting the Devil’s Wife Poem, and relating Hindley's experience to trauma, however as I looked at new references, this poem started to fade away, since the experience depicted in the poem is nothing I’ve experienced, so it no longer felt personal.
I pointed out in my first reflection that one of my aims is to have some sort of ‘closure’ to my childhood traumas. But the ironic thing is, it isn’t really going away is it? Every time I look back at the work I’ve done in these weeks, the trauma will stare straight back. However, I feel that the expressing of the emotions is a somewhat positive thing, letting the dark past leave a mark outside instead of in the deep interior of your being.
I also mention taxidermy a lot in the foundation of my ideas, the halfway point between life and death (are taxidermic animals very alive or very dead?), which is why I started looking at some taxidermy artists, some of whom have made quite controversial pieces. (e.g. Xiao Yu, who uses questionable human parts sewn into other animal parts) but that’s a more explicit approach to my ideas. What I am trying to get across is the very humanness that can be expressed through the animal form, without a direct visual reference. I say this, but I was still very inspired by the Making Nature exhibition at the Wellcome Collection, where there were several taxidermy pieces laid out on the floor. Something about their very presence is just so captivating, you just can’t stop staring at it while it stares back at you with their glass eyes. There’s also a kind of sadness when I look down at those animals. Even though in more modern times not all taxidermy pieces are done with real animal bodies, the visual impact is still there. Taxidermy is definitely an area I want to further explore in the near future.
The final paintings I did, I think, still had a strong stylistic connection to Charlie Robert’s bright and colourful pieces in his Juicy exhibition. I loved how free and spontaneous the brush strokes seemed, like he did not plan out his actions at all. I went with that thought and didn’t think about too much as I started to paint the morphed animals. I quite liked how I painted my ‘Transcription’ project work, so I thought of that style as well. I looked at Paula Rego’s early abstract works, which had ambiguous geometric shapes in them.. in the end, I incorporated this idea into the wolf’s body as well.
An influence I didn’t expect was the work of Tchabalala Self. In the show, most of her works are made of fabric and had a very physical presence. What gave me the most inspiration, however, are the works of the human figures with multiple limbs, spanning all directions. I fell in love with that idea. Having multiple limbs, does that mean you’re in more or less control of your surroundings, of your actions? Is it more chaotic or more orderly? It just seems very out of the norm, suggesting a tormented mindset. In addition, the arms weren’t growing out of the usual place, but in the centre. This captivated me… I decided then that I would incorporate this ‘multiple limb/morphed body form’ idea into my piece.
On the same day, I also saw Sophie Bueno-Boutellier’s work at the approach gallery. I heard certain things about this artist’s style, how she paints in acrylic, but in a very soft and subtle way, almost like watercolour. This intrigued me greatly, since I’ve always used thin materials and a very watery foundation. The exhibition itself showed more sculptural pieces however, where Boutellier had folded, cut, wrapped the image surface in various ways and in turn making 3-dimensional objects… reading about the exhibition, the show is about family ties and motherhood, which surprisingly did correlate to my childhood trauma. There were textile curtains printed with abstract child drawings, which I found to be a harrowing thing to look at. I responded to that most strongly, as well as a piece on the wall, briefly painted with very soft shades of pink and blue, with spaces formed from the way the canvas was folded.
The lecture held by Dexter Dalwood also proved to motivate me. He made many good points, but what stood out was his perspective on fantasy vs. reality, it gave me a great push into thinking about the two parallels.
At this stage I suddenly had the notion of taking in other peoples’ traumas, and responding to them in the form of paintings or writings. I wrote in my reflection that I’d want to interview friends who were willing to share…but as I dwelled on this new direction, it seemed wrong, it seemed wrong to selfishly force yourself into someone else’s shoes and say that you know exactly what they’ve been through. If i did take in other people’s experiences, that would turn into a more social project, whereas my initial aim was very personal indeed. So I decided to draw back into myself again, I couldn’t bring myself to continue with this idea further, especially if it were a close friend. Our friendship would change permanently if I had done so. I feel that the results would be quite damaging, for their deep traumas to be exposed out in the open like that, shown through another person’s eyes. I didn’t like that at all, I realised.
A significant turning point in this project was when I visited the Paul Nash exhibition. I was so touched by his work, in a sad but appreciative way. Reading every label on the wall gave me a much greater insight into the works if I’d only just researched him online. It was rather life-changing. Nash’s work showed me the ways in which he approached his trauma, in explicit and implicit ways. For example, a landscape devoid of life and color, or a dead tree-trunk demanding the centre of attention on the canvas. As I read about his work, I realised how surreal some of his ideas were, and a lot of his paintings are from imagined places, or from a distant memory. What I took directly from the show however, was to experiment with his idea of the strange geometric ‘megaliths’ he placed in his Unseen Landscapes. This pushed me into buying a wooden block to experiment with, which lead to the success of the wooden block painting, as an object of trauma.
The book Animals and Men gave great references to artists who depicted animals in the past. It gave a good starting point of library research into my project, as I was able to compare and contrast how they represent them. Some, like Munch, sketched animals but was really reflecting his own dark tormented mindset. Others, such as Durer, showed his animals in a more analytical and concrete way. Reading this book was certainly useful because of the comparisons made, and it got me thinking more about my final pieces. Additionally, I felt the need to learn more about the non-fictional, scientific side of my idea. Reading Your Memory, I hoped to have some of my questions on trauma and memory answered.. and some were answered. However, what helped me the most was watching the videos from experts of trauma in children specifically. As I gained further insight on how the brain develops different kinds of coping mechanisms for different people, I felt more and more sad thinking about all those children who were severely abused in those early stages of life. This feeling became prominent when I watched the documentary Child of Rage some weeks later. I guess I kind of took in what they have described in terms of their experience, and the impacts on their behaviour and ability to love and care for others, and I almost felt like I experienced a second-hand trauma hearing about it, the world is a cruel place. I’m really glad I dived into these topics since it is a real issue that is happening in the world, I was just more oblivious to it because I haven’t been traumatised the way they have. So is there even a point in me depicting my trauma when it isn’t that serious compared to theirs? I guess there is, although it’s more for myself than anyone else. My trauma is still valid and still hurts even though someone else has it far worse. What a twisted concept.
***Personally, I feel that this 6-week project was a success… in my project proposal I mentioned how I wanted to approach some sort of closure on that traumatic childhood time. The big painting (especially) did that, which I’m very happy, very happy-sad about. It truly is, or was, the Happy-Sad Childhood Days. Now I can leave some of that pain and fear behind me in the form of a painting. It’s important to remember that those feelings are just a memory now, a memory far in the distance, far from the present. Now I can move on and let time flow again.***